Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Third Time...


Was a charm. I finally got the long-awaited + yesterday morning!!! I was so thrilled! I was crying with joy and shaking because I was so enthused. I couldn't believe it. I kept looking at the result window all day just to make sure the + was still there! I called my nurse to let her know; she ordered a blood pregnancy test.

I woke up this morning to an aweful, gut-wrenching feeling. Something was wrong. I had one more HPT left and I took it. Negative. It seemed my worst fear was coming true. I tired calming myself thiking that maybe it was wrong.

I still needed to hear the blood test results from my Dr. I headed into work, trying to be optimistic. I called at 9am...results not in. 12 noon...called again and they put me on the phone with the Dr. herself. I knew this couldn't be good. Sure enough, first words out of her mouth were, "I'm afraid I have some bad news, hun." She began to explain, "There's actually some good news from this though." "What?" I insisted. "Well, you were pregnant, which means you can achieve conception. However, you have had a chemical pregancny, which means an early miscarriage." "W...w..why?" I manged to stutter. "There's really no explanation. It could be any number of things. Set up another consult when you are ready and we'll discuss your otpions." Choked up and tears already flowing, I managed to say, "O...o...k, bye." I lost it. I'm still losing it.

Just yesterday there was a live and growing baby in my womb. Today, that same baby is dead. I'm very angry and frustrated. I don't understand why people should have to go through this!?!? It hurts more than I could ever put into words. 18 months to finally achieve a pregnancy and all for nothing, for death. I feel the greatest sense of loss at the moment. Emptiness.

Chris didn't know about the pregnancy at all. I was going to tell him today. Tell him finally that he would be a Daddy in a few short months. Instead, I called him from work. I couldn't even speak I was crying so hard. He said, "I'll be right there." Ten minutes later he walked into my office and I was still sobbing. "What? What is it, I'm here." He desparately asked. I told him everything, everything that had happened. He's just as crushed as I am but I believe he's holding it all in for my sake. He's trying so hard to be strong for me. I don't know how he does it. He's the most amazing man I've ever met.

We both took the remainder of today off and did manage to inform our parents of what happened. I'm still aching all over. I haven't miscarried yet, which means the baby is still inside me. That hurts even more. I wish it would just come out. For the first time in a long time, I just wish my period would come. It's killing me to know our dead baby is just there.

I don't know what we are going to do at this point. My Dr. insisted that we come in for another consult. We'll see her this coming Monday, 8/16.

Please pray for our angel in Heaven and for our sanity.

1 comment:

Kristin Simpson said...

I am truly sorry for your loss. I have been reading your blog for sometime now and every time you have tried I have put you and Chris in my thoughts and tried to send out the most positive energy I could. And just as I'm sure every one around you did, I hoped beyond hope that this time it would happen for you. I'm very sorry to hear that you got instead one of the worst pains imaginable. I don't know what the doctor would recommend but I say to you with a most sincere heart that maybe the best thing right now is a break. I can only imagine how shot your emotions and sanity must be at this point and it might benefit you more to be able to re-center yourself and recoup your finances before jumping back into things. I wish the best for you both.