Friday, November 12, 2010

10,000 Spoons. When All We Need is a Knife.


Isn't it ironic? Cliche`, I know...but true, nonetheless.

I've certainly come to learn in the last year that the adoption process is just as much a roller coaster as infertility. One week, we're high on hope and the next we come crashing right back down to reality. We've had quite a bit of "action" going on in the last few weeks. As you know, we were waiting to hear back about the sibling set of 3 (two girls and a boy). Well, we heard back this week and we were rejected. Then our caseworker contacted us about a sibling set of two (boy 2yrs and girl 6 months)! Completely pumped about the situation and ready to be Mom and Dad as I'm sure you can imagine. Something like this just doesn't happen in the foster care world. This opportunity will likely never happen again. At the same time, our worker sent our homestudy off to another caseworker about 2 girls, ages 4 & 6, who we have not heard anymore about to date.

A few days ago, our worker called to let me know that we were the #2 pick out of five families for the two babies. NUMBER TWO! As if that were a good thing. No. That was her way of letting me down "easy." "However," she says, "we have another sibling set for you and you have been picked for them!" They are two boys and a girl (10, 8, & 7). BLONDE hair and blue eyes. I feel horrible. I am not excited about them in the least. I should be. Right? They are precious, beautiful children and have very little behavior issues. Sounds like a blessing, I know. Again, I feel so bad.

Three kids has always been our limit. I've always wanted the experience of raising a baby, or at least a toddler. With this set, we don't get that chance. Plus, we would find it a huge plus to be "matched" with children who somewhat resemble us. I don't want to have to answer questions all the time from complete strangers about why our kids don't look like us. There is just no way I can explain away blonde hair when both Chris and I have raven colored hair. I'm sure this all seems irrelevant to many out there. You might be thinking...they are children and that is what you want, right? So you should be jumping for joy that you've finally been "chosen." That has to be crossing your's crossing mine. I shouldn't be so picky. After all, these poor, great kids have been horribly treated by their bio parents...things they have been through are just unimaginable for most. They absolutely deserve great parents. I just don't think we are the great parents for them. No matter what I tell myself, I still feel crappy for not being accepting of whatever situation we are "chosen" for. It hurts my heart and yet I can't force feelings for them that just aren't there. I can't help but feel more excited and anxious about the 4 & 6 yr old girls who I know nothing more about. Ironic? Yes.

It figures that the one time in a year that we are "matched," it just isn't a match. I've found hundreds of children we want to be parents to and none of their caseworkers will give us the time of day. I guess we'll keep searching and waiting for our knife.