Once Bitten, Twice Shy

9/2/09

We are a few weeks into our adoption journey and excited to say the least!  We have chosen to be foster to adopt parents which gives us the greatest chance of having an infant but there is the possibility of having a child go back to his/her birth family if the social workers sees fit.  We are also considering one to three year olds who are already free for adoption or have a low legal risk where there is a good chance we'd get to adopt in the end.  We've filled out all our repetitive paperwork, totalling about eight hours of our lives as well as had our required physical and are awaiting the results from that.  We have also had two of the four state IMPACT Classes which will total 20 hours once completed.  We still have to have a background check and homestudy before we can be approved to be parents.  Sounds so funny hearing that out loud..."approved to be parents."  It makes me a little nervous being judged on our parental capabilities.  Like, wow...they could say "No."  I know fully well that Chirs and I will make great parents but now there is a third party who has to believe that also or our votes are vetoed.  I've begun over-analyzing our lives as I'm so good at doing.  Do we make enough money for thier satisfaction?  Are we too in debt?  Will they like us?  What if our dogs are not on their best behavior during the homestudy?  What  if our house is too messy?  What if our house is too clean?  All these incidious thoughts race through my mind wondering how much they weigh on the social worker's scale.

Filling out the paperwork was a chore.  It's been turned in and we're praying for a good grade on our answers though I don't remember studying for the test.  One question specifically worries me:  "What are your feelings toward the birth family of a child who has been abused/neglected?"  You see, I understand that the main objective in Foster Care is for the child to be reunified  with the birth family/parents.  However, I have this inate opinion that people who abuse children shouldn't get a second chance.  So, how am I supposed to feel for the birth family?  Here we sit, knowing that we are capable of raising and loving a child and have known this for years.  We've been waiting patiently and sometimes impatiently for the day that we would have our chance to be a family completed.  On the other hand, there are broken and damaged familes all over this country who do all the wrong things and are not capable and are not loving and do not cherish the obvious gift(s) they've been given.  So, I'm supposed to suck it up for their sake?  Am I to take a infant/child into our home, fall in love, and then give this gift back to someone who may damage them further?  Don't get me wrong, there are some kids in foster care who should be back with their families and those are the ones who've just come into a bad way financially or fallen ill and those people don't have a choice.  They should get their kids  back, no doubt, once they are on their feet and can properly care for thier children.  I'm referring to those who are addicted to drugs and/or alcohol, neglect and/or abuse their kids.  These children are not social experiments.  Once bitten, twice shy.  

In the two IMPACT Classes we've had, these case worker's have some true horror stories that I really could have lived the rest of my life without hearing.  However, they've driven my opionion home even further.  One story in particular will stay with me for the rest of my life:  A little baby girl, 18 months old, blonde hair, blue eyes.  He mother had a boyfriend who moved in one day.  With the Mother not around, the boyfriend thinks it would be fun to have sex with this precious little girl.  She is raped and her insides are torn.  The Dr's were able to put her back together but the damage was still done.  The little girl is in foster care and the mother does her due dilligence to get her child back.  Kicks the boyfriend out.  Court gives the baby back.  Two weeks later, the boyfriend moves back in.  Same thing happens but this time the child's insides are too torn for the Dr's to repair.  Child goes back into foster care and the parental rights are terminated.  But it's too late.  Now, this precious little girl is too damaged and full of rage at only three years old.  None of the foster homes can keep her under control.  She comes at them and other kids with scissors and bites and scratches and beats on infants.  She is placed in a group home...for the rest of her life.  This story, I'm told, was a case in the early 90's.  None of them could tell me what became of that child.  What if the court had not let her go home?  Why wasn't that boyfriend arrested and locked up?  Our system failed that child.  She's around 18 years old today, if she is still alive.  Is she being thrown out of that group home now as she has "aged out?"  What will happen to her?

Chris and I have read the first book in a series

 by David Pelzer.  The first is titled, "A Child Called 'It'."  In the first chapter alone, this book had my macho, Harley riding, weight lifting husband crying his eyes out.  The things that this author endured as a child made us sick to our stomach.  We wanted to literally go back in time through this biography and save this child.  The people who came into contact with him had to of known what he was going through and NO ONE did anything!  He was poisoned, beaten, stabbed, starved, neglected,  burned, frozen, and humilated and no one helped him for years!!  He is a miracle case as he has obivously come out of his Hell and made something of his life.  I am anxious to read the other books in the series to find out what transpired after his fifth grade year.

Chris's parents seem to be more supportive now that they have had time to mull things over.  They haven't said too much and they don't ask many questions about how our "process" is going but they haven't spoken against it either...that we know of.  My family is still very supportive and they ask after each IMPACT Class what we thought of it and what we learned.  My Dad called yesterday to make sure our physical went well.  It makes us feel so good to know that they are behind us and care what happens to our hearts along the way.  They seem to understand  that this is going to be hard for us and that we are going to need as much support as possible.  I only wish Chris's family would be more vocally supportive, at least to him.  I think he

 deserves it.  I think it's a difference of view.  My family looks at us now and sees "parents to  be."  His looks at us and sees "maybe you'll be parents one day."  I don't think they understand that "one day" is likely very soon.  I have this view that if I were pregnant, the type of support we get from his parents would be different than the support we get now.  They'd call and want to know about the Dr's appointments and they'd ask if I had morning sickness and when we'd find out the sex of the baby.  I know this because they have five grandkids already and I've seen how they've been with their other sons and daughter in laws.  Chris's brothers, on the other hand, have been very supportive and are excited for us.  Maybe it will be more "real" for them once we're approved and the phone calls for "matches" start coming?

As I was typing the last line of this entry, my sister in law, Jessy, called me to tell me I'm going to be an Aunt again.  I'm happy for them, truly, as they have no issues having kids.  This will be their fourth child.  Have to admit it still stung a little but not nearly as much as it did two years ago.

When in Rome, Do as the Romans Do?

7/24/09

Yet again, it's been a long time since my last post.  For some reason though I am in the mood to write today.  Chris and I just returned from our Italian Holiday!  Yes, this year for his Birthday I surprised him with a trip to Italia as well as seeing his favorite singer while in Italy...Andrea Bocelli!  We left on the 10th and returned on the 21st.  What a blast we had!  It all just went by too quickly.

Our base was in Cortona and we traveled by train, bus, and taxi to Rome, Florence, Siena, Montepulciano, Venice, Volterra, & the site of the Bocelli concert, Lajatico, Italy.  Chris fell in love with Toscana and I fell in love with it all, all over again.  We've dreamed of going to Italy together since we were 16 years old and I finally had the wonderful opportunity to experience it with him this year so I went for it!

So, the question you all must be asking: "Well, did the Italian Holiday allow for you to get knocked up?"  Um.  No.  Sorry to disappoint all of you out there who seem to think taking a vacation will magically make the infertile couples of the world fertile.  Ha!  If only it were that simple.  No, no...we're not pregnant and I don't think I've been pregnant since that one and only time but I continue to refuse to take pregnancy tests and every month Aunt Flo eventually rears her ever so ugly head and well, I'm right again.

We are, however, discussing the possibility of adoption again.  I was not the one to bring it up this time...Chris did.  About three months ago, he put the conversation back on the table after about a year of silence on the topic.  We've been seriously talking about it ever since (privately, until now).  We have decided to take one baby step (pardon the pun) at a time in the direction of Foster Care Adoption.  The number one reason for our choice about foster care adoption verses private domestic infant adoption or international adoption is the price tag.  Foster Care Adoption is something we can afford.  Unfortunately, agencies have made private adoptions so expensive, we'd have to take out a loan to the tune of about $40K to proceed with that.  In reality, we just can't afford it.  What will we likely sacrifice:  The chance of raising a child from infancy.  I don't yet know how I feel about that.  I want to raise a baby.  I want us to be able to experience the "firsts."  I'm already missing the first kick in the womb, the birth, first smile, etc.  I want to get as many firsts as possible so when my child asks me in the  future,  "Mom, what was my first word?"  I'll be able to answer.  Maybe that is selfish?  I don't really care.  We've already had to give up so much and we have wants, needs, and dreams too.  We deserve to have our dreams come true.

Chris told his Dad the news a few days ago and  the result was less than excited...at least in my  husband's eyes as I was not there to hear the length of the conversation.  His Dad is

 supposedly supportive but posed a question that we're insulted by: "Well, what happens when you adopt and then Nicole becomes pregnant?"  Chris was like, that would be great!  I'd have two kids!  His Dad seems to think that we'll show favortism to the biological child because well, blood is blood.  They would both be OUR kids, no matter how they come into our family.  I also took the comment to mean that there will likely be favortism to the grandkids that are already in the family as they are biological.  I'm not really sure how to react to this.  Should I address this comment that I was not even present to hear or do I let it go?  

Our alliance has to be to our kids once the kids are in the picture so, if there is to be any favortism going on then we would have to separate ourselvs from his family for the sake of the child.  I really do not want that to happen as we have a semi-close relationship with his parents.  I want them to accept any child we bring into this family as if the child were biological.  My parents, on the other hand, are 100% supportive and do not have any other grandkids at the moment.  I believe that his parents would love it if we started medical treatment again and "kept trying."  They don't understand that 3.5 years of this crap is exhausting!  We've been there, done that, and the tee shirt wasn't worth the cost.  They don't get it and just keep saying, "Your time will come."  That's fine and dandy and maybe one day we will get pregnant but I wish they would recognize that it might not happen in the way they want it to happen.  We are both at a point where we want to be parents more than have replicas of ourselves running around.  We just want a baby to love and raise and we could at least pass on our values and insights if not our genes.  I believe that God will lead us to the child we are meant to have either via adoption, pregnancy, or maybe, just maybe both.  Now to have them understand it the way we do...

No part of this journey can be simple and clear cut.  We always seem to be fighting something whether it be the infertility itself or others' opionions and beliefs.  I wish I knew what to do.  To make everyone happy and do what they want us to do or to be ourselves and follow our own dreams?  God help us and them and the child that has yet to come into our life.  

Happy 2009!

1/30/09

It's been quite awhile since my last entry. It's a New Year (Thank God 2008 is over)!! So far, it's been historical with the inauguration of our country's first African American President. We are hopeful that this year will bring more fortunate situations than the last. 2008 was a rough year financially for not just us, but everyone. My in-laws have settled on a new home...for now anyhow. Chris and I have just passed our 3yr anniversary of being unable to become parents...not exactly a celabratory occassion but it is what it is.

I've been off the meds for about a year and most of my cycles are staying consistent. Notice I say most of the time. This month was unusual as my Luteal Phase was 20 days. I could have been pregnant again but I refused to take a test as I just didn't want to know. It's gotten easier and I've gotten good at tuning coversations out. We still hope and pray that God will show favor on us. We still hold the belief that one day we will have at least one child...one precious gift.

Our sister-in-law had her third son, Dawson Marc, on 9/11/08. Felicia, one of my other bridesmaids, had her son, Jimmy Taylor, about a month ago. My other sister-in-law, Mandi, announced they are expecting their second child at Thanksgiving. Everyone around us seems to be rich in parenthood except us but we are dealing with it better today than we have in the past. I can't honestly say that it doesn't hurt at all, but it's gotten easier. I hope we can keep it up.

In my last entry I mentioned that we were going to meet Kim and David in Myrtle Beach. We had a blast and wish we lived closer to them! We hung out at the beach, went to all the Ripley's amusements, tried Brazilian food, went shopping, and enjoyed our time together! Hopefully Kim and I will be Moms or at least expecting next time we see eachother! I can't wait for our kids to meet!!

I don't know how much I'll write this year, but I'll be in touch again at some point. Thanks to all of you out there who continually pray for us and offer ENCOURAGING words. Those of you who don't, keep to yourselves!

Back from Sebbatical

8/1/08

It's been quite a while since my last entry. I guess I needed a break from my computer world altogether. I broke away from the Forums also. I'll go ahead and relieve your suspense...no, I'm not Pregnant. It's actually been a year ago to this month since I was pregnant my one and only time (that I know of). We've not been actively trying to concieve now for about four months. Much has happened since I last wrote and here are the events in chronilogical order.

1. We decided to adopt a domestic infant.
2. Chris got his tattoo that I designed.
3. My little sister graduated High School.

4. We decided NOT to adopt right now.

5. Chris turned 26 years old.

6. I bought Chris a '96 Harley Davidson Springer Softail.

7. My best friend, Nina, gave birth to her son, Gavin Lee.

8. Another one of my bridesmaids became pregnant.

9. We are going to Myrtle Beach, SC in one week to meet Kim and David.

After all the stress we've been through and the longing for a child continuing to grow everyday...we brought up the topic of adoption. We both agreed (after long, weeks of discussion) that it would be a good idea to start that process as a means of making our family. We did all the research and told our parents (who told everyone else). I found a legal agency in CA called Adoption Network Law Center which we liked the best. I filled out the paperwork and we went through the phone interview to be approved to begin the process. We were approved and I had solid hope and confirmation that in the end of the this process, we'd be a family. The next feat would be to come up with the funds of $28,000. Chris's mom and dad offered to help us once they got their settlement from the house fire and they would get us started with the initiation fee of $11,000 and we would come up with the rest bit by bit.

Chris got his tattoo in the hopes he'd soon be able to add our child's name to it. It's really cool to see my artwork permanently on someone. The Tattoo artist is a guy named Mike who works at Exotic Ink in Conyers, GA. Awesome work at a great price! Chris will be going back soon to get a few more tats from Mike...and I might get one too!

My little sister, who is now 19, graduated high school. That is a funny thing seeing as how it seems just yesterday I was graduating school and she was only 12. Time flies whether you're having fun or not. In any event, I'm proud of her no matter how much I hated that damn private school she went to. She'll be (hopefully) starting college in the Fall at GA Military College or GMC.

Chris's mom and dad backed out of helping us with the finances for the adoption because they didn't get as much money as they hoped and his mom had never had a new car before so his dad bought her a Hummer H2 instead. So, there we were with no help (which I didn't expect in the first place), hints from his family (to him) that we really ought to consider switching Dr's, and then Chris caved. The $28,000 was getting to him and he didn't want to put us that far in debt when we've already spent so much on infertilty treatment. His family's comments were also getting to him and he took it to mean that they really didn't want us to adopt and wanted us (me) to continue medical treatment with a Dr of their choosing. He also kept saying that if someone could just tell him that it would NEVER happen for us biologically then he would be willing to go the adoption route. I told him to let me know when God appeared to him and gave that clear answer.

Needless to say, he didn't want to adopt and I didn't want to continue treatment. My body is tired, my soul is tired, and our marriage was suffering. I told him that I was done trying and he had to except that. I'd not (and have not) be preventing pregnancy but I wasn't gonig to be trying my best to obtain it. So, about four months ago, we stopped everything but sex. No Dr's, no meds, no charting, no temping, no TTC Forums, no blogging, etc. We began enjoying our lives again and healing physically and spiritually. Everyone of course still has their own opinions. They seem to know the right Dr or the right meds or the right prayer. Whatever. "I'm done" doesn't seem to register with them. Not my problem. The same things that hurt me before still hurt but I'm slowly healing and Chris is too. I don't cry everytime now when aunt flo arrives, and I don't shutter as much at pregnant women.

Chris turned 26 in June...officially closer to 30 than to 20 he says. I adopted a Harley for his birthday and it's now our baby. Chris has wanted a Harley since before we met. We'd always had this "deal" that if we didn't have kids by the time he was 30, that he could have a HD. I just assumed that we'd have kids with no problem. HAHA...fate...bastard! Anyway, two of his brothers have gotten Honda Shadows recently and his dad got a Honda Goldwing for his B-Day in May. They all left to go riding on his dad's birthday and I saw in Chris's eyes the feeling of being even more left behind. It killed me inside. He's already had to overcome so much after his wreck...we both have. It was one of the hardest decisions for me to make becuase on one hand, I knew that is what he wanted and it would lift his self esteem up so much to know I had that much faith in him. On the other hand, I've already lived (barely) through seeing him almost die from the wreck back in high school. He's already missing part of his skull and one good knock to the head...well...I was terrified of seeing him take off on a motorcycle. In the end I had to realize that I couldn't punish him for my insecurities. I bought the Harley off eBay and my Dad drove it to City Slickers (our special restaurant where our first date was). His birthday dinner was there and I sent him on a "treasure hunt" for the bike. When he first saw it, he thought it was a joke and that we'd rented it for a day! He lost his mind and I hadn't seen him smile like that since our wedding day/honeymoon! There were, of course, conditions to this bike. He had to practice on Steven's Honda for a while but had to get his learner's license before he could do that. He had to pass the four-day extensive Harley Davidson Safety Course and he'd have to have a lot of experience before he could get on the expressway or have me on the back with him. He agreed. It took three tries, but he finally passed the learner's exam but would have to wait two months to take the safety course as they had a waiting list. In the meantime, he practiced on his brother's Shadow and did quite well. He passed the Harley Course this week, at the top of his class I might add. He's officially licensed and rode his Harley for the first time yesterday. My dad and I followed behind on my dad's harley. Chris did great! His self esteem has gone up about 10 notches!!!

I faced my ultimate fear on June 6th (my dad's B-day of course) when my best friend, Nina, gave birth to her healthy baby boy, Gavin Lee. I went to the hospital the day of (a best friend's duty). She had to have a C-Section but was okay and so was Gavin. I would have been okay if her dad hadn't of opened his damn mouth while I was holding Gavin. He said, "Ya know, Nicole, you and Chris are just trying too hard." A familiar lump began to swell in my throat. Did he not realize this was the hardest thing I'd have to come to terms with...that Nina's pregnancy was the hardest of any for me to cope with? No, he didn't. I kept quiet and left shortly thereafter. I got through it and was proud of myself for being able to do so.

My Mom's Birthday was July 26th...she turned 50. Her best friend's, Diane's, birthday is the day after my mom's. They celebrated together by going on a gambling trip. Diane's daughter, Felicia, was one of my bridesmaids. Diane's birthday present from Felicia was that she is pregnant with the first grandchild. My birthday present to my mom was a card, flowers, and sugar-free candy. She gives her mom a legacy and I give mine paper. Hmmm. Anyway, Felicia never wanted kids...like Nina never wanted kids. As a matter of fact, Felicia had just gone to the Dr the week before to have her tubes tied and the Dr told her she was too young and she may change her mind so he put in an IUD but it didn't work because she apparently got knocked up the week after that appointment. So I started to think about it. I had five bridesmaids. Four of them never wanted kids. The fifth was my little sister and God willing, she won't have kids until she's married. One of my bridesmaids had a child but he wasn't intentional at the time as she never wanted kids. Nina never wanted kids and now has Gavin. Felicia never wanted kids and is now pregnant. Jenny is the only other one who didn't have kids and didn't want any. I haven't talked to her in two years. She probably has twins if you are following my logic here. I must have transported all my fertility to my bridesmaids??? What the hell?!?!

On the up side of things, Chris and I are going to Myrtle Beach, SC in a week to meet Kim and David. I met Kim on the APA Forum about two years ago and we've become great friends though we've never met in person. We talk via email, letters, postcards, and on the phone. I'm so excited that I can barely contain myself. This will be the first time in about three years that I'll get to meet someone going through what Chris and I have been going through. She lives in Maryland and will be in SC on vacation with David's family. We'll be spending about four days with them and also introducing them to the Dixie Stampede which is my favorite dinner show!! That will probably be the next thing I'll write about! I can't wait!!!!

This has been my update and hope I've not bored you to tears. I miss writing more than anything so I think I'll try and get back into it again.

Happy Anniversary

3/25/08


Today is mine and Chris's 2 year wedding anniversary. This cycle is the first time in over 2 years that we haven't tried to get pregnant. We didn't try to avoid it, we just didn't plan our life around it. I haven't really temped at all and that's really weird as that's been my morning routine for over a year now. I'm currently 9 days past ovulation...I think. I took a pregnancy test just for the hell of it and it being our anniversary and all...negative...but I had you going there for a second didn't I?

Not trying this month was actually an accident. I got very sick two weeks ago with the Flu! I thought I was going to die. My temp kept trying to hover around 103.5 and at one point the Tylenol stopped working and Chris had to cover me in ice packs...ironically, I felt like a piece of meat. Anyhow, I had already taken the LAST dose of Femara I have so I really had every intention of giving it our all again this month. I was sick for a week and didn't get out of bed the whole time...normally, that wouldn't be a bad thing, but under these circumstances it sucked! I could barely move that week much less keep track of what my temp was doing every morning at 7:30 AM. Needless to say, I really have no idea when I ovulated but I just assume it was around cycle day 13 or 14 like it normally is when I take Femara. Being so sick, I didn't really have any hope producing any viable eggs this cycle so we just really haven't tried at all and it's been somewhat of a relief, but then again somewhat of a guilt trip. I feel guilty for not giving it our all this month even though I was terribly sick. So, this is what a break does to me...stresses me out! Yet I have others telling me that trying stresses me out. WRONG! I've just learned that it's the opposite affect. Not doing the work was nice for a change, but not trying freaks me out.

Chris and I had a very nice anniversary. I took him on a surprise weekend trip to Graceland two weeks ago (the weekend b/f I got sick) and it was incredible! It was his first plane ride and he was a nervous wreck once he figured out we were getting on a plane...but loved it! We stayed in Tunica, MS at the Horseshoe Casino and actually ended up walking out with $150 more than we had going in. A limo took us to Graceland and Elvis's mansion is beautifully stuck in the 70's. We saw all the Elvis Museums and the "Lisa Marie" Private Plane. Seeing the gravesites was surreal and sad. Chris surprised me yesterday with a dozen red roses (my favorite flower) and a sweet card. Today we went out to dinner with his parents which was very nice. I gave him a card and surprised him with $500 to get his first tattoo that I actually designed. It was a great night...just wish that pregnancy test had been postive! What an incredible anniversary gift that would have been.

That's all for now, I suppose. Hope everyone had a nice Easter!

You Don't Know...

2/25/08

I just need to vent tonight. I need to get this off my chest so that I can sleep the remainder of the week and so I may also use this as a building block to a conversation I really need to have just once...but only once.

A statement was made a few nights ago that we have avoided the family due to our circumstance and that we shouldn't becuase we miss out on so much. I wanted to discuss this the night of but it wasn't the time nor the place. It has, however, been on my mind ever since. We are guilty as charged for aversion. No argument needed there, but a need for explanation and understanding is in order. I don't quite agree that we're missing out and you'll understand why by the end of this blurb.

I have questions, many of them...most are rhetorical:

What would you have us do? Would you like me to force my husband and myself through EVERY birthday party for toddlers and have me struggle during EVERY baby shower that comes up...and do it alone? Why should we torture ourselelves that way? Why should we have to endure that only to see the other break down in tears when we're finally alone. Why should we have to suffer through all the, "You're next!" lies...because truth be told, we are never "next!" Grant you, we avoided as many events as possible the first year due to the newness of this situation in our life. Everything seemed magnafied. It's not like this is a pain that we'll "just get over." This is a pain that will remain with us long after we're parents. We'll never know what it feels like to have a "normal" conception and a "normal" pregnancy. That elation that most couples get when they see that positive result on their pregnancy test is something that we'll never know. Not because I don't believe it won't ever be positive for us again but because we'll worry the entire ten months that that positive will die at any moment. Chris is already terrified of me being pregnant again. That innocense has been stripped from us and it's not fair.

You don't have to hurt the way we do. You don't have to watch your husband play with another woman's children knowing that he wants them to be his own and there's nothing you can do about it. You don't have to look into his eyes every month and tell him it's negative. You don't watch him stare at kids in restaurants and know what he's thinking. You don't blame yourself everyday for not being able to make him "World's Best Dad." You don't feel the guilt I feel for losing the only miracle we've had a chance at in two years. You don't have to walk by an empty nursery, that was created in faith, and feel as empty as it is and wonder if you should have been so bold to put forth so much effort into it in the first place. You don't have to wonder why God doesn't make you a Mother but instead makes it so everyone around you is pregnant at the same time and that it never fails that they tell you the "good" news the day you start your period. You don't know what it's like for someone to tell you, "Just relax and it'll happen..." as if you did't already blame yourselves enough. You haven't had to spend your entire savings of $8,000.00 on treatments for it to only end in a miscarriage. You haven't had to struggle through injecting yourself with hormones, humiliating Dr's appointments, and ten pills twice a day to make it so that your body is functioning properly. You don't know what it's like to have no one who understands to talk to except for the blessed group of "online friends" who seem to be closer to you now than your own family but you've never even met in person. You don't have a Father's Day Card hidden away in your desk becuase you just knew that you were going to get to give it to your husband this year only for the universe to smack you straight in the face the day of. You don't know what it's like to have nothing to say when conversations enevitably turn to talk of babies and grandkids. You'll never understand that this paragraph is only a minute explanation of what we feel on a day to day basis. You don't know what it's like to be scared to say any of this to anyone's face for fear of pity staring back at you.

We don't want pity, we want understanding and support. I realize that's a lot to ask when you are not and never will be in our shoes. All we need is a listening ear from time to time and support not in the form of "You're next" and "I know it will happen." We have never been "next" and you don't know that it will happen because you aren't God. Only He knows if it will happen and He's not divulging that information to anyone. We have faith, be it as small as a mustard seed, but it's still there. We do have days when there doesn't seem to be any strength left and we feel like giving up. It's those days when all we need is a listening ear and maybe a shoulder to cry on. We're usually better in a few days. We don't want to be left out of the loop nor for people to walk around on eggshells when we're in the room. If someone in our circle is pregnant, they should tell us. We realize that it's going to sting us like Hell but we'd rather know straight off than to find out through the grapevine. If there is a gathering, we want an invitation but the decision to come or not is ours and we reserve that right. We expect to not be made to feel guilty for not coming. You are welcome to ask us questions as long as they come with the understanding that this position we're in is a personal one and we may not give the enitre story and we usually try to leave the most painful parts out. We also need understanding that we are doing the best we can with the knowledge and finances we have. We are doing everything in our power and that should be good enough. Don't offer sage advice unless we ask for it because that usually just makes us resent ourselves for talking about this in the first place. We realize that the advice comes from a good place but nevertheless, it does hurt us in ways that you can't begin to comprehend. Don't pretend to know how we feel...just be there and make time for us without interruption if we express the need. Just a hug would do most days.

We're not missing out on family and we're not avoiding everyone when we intentionally don't show up for some occassions, we're simply maintaining our sanity. If that's what we have to do to keep a minor piece of normalcy intact in our lives and in our marriage, then that is what we are going to do regardless of what anyone else thinks we should be doing. Everyone seems to have their own opinion about what we should be feeling and what we should be doing when it's never occurred to them to just ask us what we think. I've never once had anyone ask me, "How do you feel about this and is there anything I can do to help you?" Not once. And that is sad. We've never asked for anything until now and all we're asking for is to be heard and understood. So what if we need days where there aren't babies surrounding us. So what if we need "us" time. No one has ever stopped to think why we don't want to come to certain gatherings. No one has ever taken into consideration that we've not missed one single Mother's Day and Father's Day lunch. Even when those days fell on days when I'd just started my period the day of...both times...for two years in a row. Yes, the universe is cruel. We've not missed a single milestone with regards to our neice and nephews. Not missed a single Halloween...when we don't even have kids to dress up and we are left to feel completely out of place even being there.

Again, and I can't say it enough, we are doing the BEST we know how to do and that should be enough even if it's not perfect. Don't expect more from us than we are able to offer. Don't walk on eggshells but everyone should think before they speak. We feel guilty enough left to our own devices without the added pressures from others. We have different feelings on different days and for now, that has to be okay and accepted. At times we are confused and disoriented and have been this way for longer than we'd like to admit. Other days we are very optimistic and hopeful. We can only wish this were a bad dream we could awake from but alas it is reality. Please understand where we are coming from and try not to resent us for feeling all these emotions that we never asked to have. It's not an attack on anyone, just things that have needed to be said for a long time. We've been through enough really without having to endure this on top of it all. But, as always, we're managing and we're praying that God will see us through this as soon as He can.

The Outsider

2/6/08

As you can obviously gather, this week hasn't exactly gone that well. What with the fire and all...stressful, no? In any event...on to my point: Aunt Flo arrived tonight. Just a little while ago. I knew she was coming because my temperature dropped this morning. I knew she was knocking at my door. So, I come out of the bathroom and my cell phone is ringing. It was my sister in law, Jessy. "Nicole, I have some news to tell you." My heart immediately sank, because I'm not an idiot and figured out why she was calling even before she finished that sentence. I love Jessy and I love our (already) two nephews very much but, nevertheless, my heart still sank. How cruel can the universe be? Here I sit with an empty nursery we built in faith that "it" would happen soon. And she has two sons, a full house, and we were just discussing last month when she thought she was pregnant how much right now was not a good time for them to have more children and that they needed to start taking natural preventitive precautions. Now a month later, she is pregnant with her third and our empty nursery shall remain just that...empty. It's not her fault she's a fertile myrtle (though we all agree precautions would have been wise). I'm happy for them but very, very, tragically sad for us. I just don't understand why and what we are being punished for because that is what this is...punishment...for something? And I later opened an email from Chris's 26 week pregnant cousin (with her 3rd also) "updating" all that "It's a GIRL!" Typically a person should be happy in such an instant, but how typical are we? Yet again, it was just another slap in the face...two in a row. I'm just waiting for another one as 'they' say it comes in threes.

So, today is cycle day one for me and this past cycle sucked! Apparently my body sucks, period. I don't do well without Femara or Clomid. I thought that I'd ovulated on CD 13 but I was wrong and didn't ovulate until CD 22!! Fortunately for me, I have such wonderful "online" friends that are able to send me their unwanted medications. So, I have two months worth of Femara and I'm still on the Metformin (2000mg now). I can tell the Met is working b/c I feel that my testosterone has dropped. Not so sure if I like that though b/c that's also made my sex drive decrease. Gotta do what I gotta do though. Unfortunately I don't have the luxury of natural pregnancy...if pregnancy at all. Even when I do become preggers again, my pregnancy innocense is gone. When one becomes pregnant, normally that pregnancy carries through without any worries but for us we'll never have that peace of mind. I'll always worry that in any second the baby will be gone, will die...again. Most women are fortunate enough to be nieve of that realistic possibility.

My best friend (the one who has never wanted to have kids) recently found out she is having a boy. His name will be Gavin Lee. I like that name. Chris and I decided we liked another name for a girl more than Nasyah. We've chosen Nyahley Helynn. I love that name. I love it just as much as our Boy's name: Cayden Joseph. I can't wait to be able to say those names outloud and not have others look at me like an outsider. The only place I fit in anymore is with my husband and online with my "people," the ones who are in the same boat as me. I don't have a place in the "real" world anymore. Any where I turn in my actual life, there is nothing but proof that I don't belong. I'm just not in the "mommy club," and everyone I know in real life now belongs to that club. Everyone I know has left me and we now seem to have nothing in common. After all, what does one do when others start talking about not getting any sleep because their newborn keeps them up all night? What should I say when the conversation turns to being all about the grandkids and how their saying new words and learning to walk but aren't quite there yet? When should I chime in as my friends bring up how they can't stand morning sickness and Dr's appointments and being as big as a cow? How is it appropriate to tell them that I'd be more than happy to trade shoes. I'd die to have morning sickness and OB/GYN appointments and to be up all night being able to hear my newborn's cries. Their troubles just don't seem to equate to the measure of what we've been dealt...and they have absolutely no clue how to relate to us either. So, one side must fake it. That'd be me. I have to fake my way through those conversations just to hang on to what I left of my real life relationships. I have to pretend to understand their woes and be sympathetic to their exhaustion and thrilled that their toddler is finally walking. Afterall, that's how a normal person would react. I have to pretend to be normal.