Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Am I Even Female?


It's been a very busy past few days! Today is Tuesday. I went to the Dr. for my consult last Thursday. I brought in all my charts to show her proof of why I think my main issue is lack of Progesterone after ovulation. Let's go over some vocabulary first. Progesterone sustains a pregnancy through it's first tri-mester. A Lueteal Phase is the time period between ovulation and the day a woman starts her next mensus. The average woman has a lueteal phase of about 14 days. This is the length of time a fertilized egg needs to make the journey to the womb and implant securely into the lining, or endometrium, of the uterus. My lueteal phase is normally nine days. So, I have a lueteal phase defect or LPD. This last cycle, I was put on Progesterone to lenghten my lueteal phase. It worked and our fertilized egg implanted 11 days into the lueteal phase. For some unknown reason, however, the baby died.

Back to the charts and the consult. Even with all the proof in front of her, she wouldn't see my point or validate it. She said, "Well, how did you know it (the baby) implanted on day 11?" I had implantation spotting as many women do. She said, "Many women spot all throughout their cycles." Maybe, but I don't and it's not normal for me. I know my own freakin' body. In any event, she said she would give me the progesterone as it won't affect anything in a negative way but that she doesn't really see the point. Idiot.

A friend of mine mentioned to me that I am a Dr's worst nightmare. Though he was jokingly serious, that shouldn't matter. I'm not a wallflower. I can't just sit idley by and let Dr's decide what they want to do to my body just because they have a degree. I wouldn't understand a person not wanting to be educated about what is happening to them. Grant you, I don't go into these appointments and tell her what she is going to do. I do, however, ask plenty of questions, demand answers, and suggest alternative routes to take. At this point, I really don't feel that my opinions are taken seriously, which may eventually lead me to another clinic and Dr.

In any event, afer going over all the options:

1. Exploratory Surgery
2. 4th Clomid/IUI
3. Femara instead of Clomid
4. Injectibles/IUI
5. Clomid/2 Injectibles/IUI

We decided to go with #5. This is called a Hybrid Cycle. It's more expensive than what we've been doing because shots cost more than just pills. So, this is what I did after the miscarriage: Took 50mg of Clomid on Cycle Days 3-7. Took my first shot of FSH on Cycle Day 7 and the second shot on Day 9. I went in for my ultra sound and blood work on day 11 (Yesterday). I have two good follicles, one on the right measuring 22mm and one on the left measruing 19mm. My uterine lining was ok at 6.7mm. I left the Dr. and headed into work thinking I'd probably take the hCG shot that night and that the IUI would be on Wednesday. I got a call yesterday afternoon and it was the nurse telling me there was some bad news. My Estradiol Level (Estrogen) was only at 85. It wasn't corresponding with the size of the eggs on the ultra sound. It should have been in the 200-300 range. They ordered me to come back in today to do the exact same thing. Right egg was the same size (22mm), left egg grew to 20.5mm, and my uterine lining thickened more to 7mm.

Here is the picture of my left ovary and egg follicle. The biggest black circle is the follicle that is 20.5mm. The egg is inside.

I just got the call from the nurse about my blood work. Again with the bad news! Is there ever any good news? She said that my blood from today had an estradiol level of 50 and they re-ran yesterday's blood and it came back at 32! I'm not producing Estrogen. So, there's no estrogen and no progesterone. Am I even female? Geesh! She said they wouldn't do the IUI becuase there is no point in wasting the money when they don't think it will work anyhow. She said that since I already have a trigger shot, that I could use it to go ahead and ovulate and just have "timed intercourse." I asked her if by chance it worked and I became pregnant, what my chance of miscarriage would be if they already know these eggs aren't quite "right"? She of course said she doesn't know but doesn't think it would effect that. I don't know what to do. Chris and I have to talk about this tonight and we'll decide then.

In the meantime, I've written a Memorial Poem for our early loss:

Our Angel

Early morning breath and hair,
Racing to the test.
Good news I was hoping to share,
Praying for the best.

Trembling hands awaiting the time.
Pacing the floor, not wanting to look
As the clock chimes.
So much courage it took.

My emotions much too raw,
Glancing toward the table.
Finally, two pink lines I saw.
I could now have the label,

We’ve wanted for so long.
Hitting my knees I cried,
“I’m so glad I was wrong!”
It really isn’t a lie.

Blood they wanted to take.
Forcing my veins to bite the bait,
To make sure it wasn’t a mistake.
I would just have to wait.

A new day dawns,
Feelings of despair.
My husband smiles and yawns,
He doesn’t know what’s in the air.

My anxious mind racing,
Wanting the phone to ring.
Again with the pacing,
Really hoping I’d be able to sing.

The Doctor’s voice ever so clear,
“Hun, I have some bad news.”
It was my worst fear.
The baby I would soon lose.

Unable to speak,
Dropping the phone to the floor.
Knees feeling weak,
I felt it in my core.

Tears flowed like rain,
As I tried to tell him
Our efforts had been in vein.
He drove to me on that whim.

Sobbing at my desk,
Red face and eyes closed tight.
He held me to his chest
And told me it would all be alright.

His heart had to be breaking,
But he held strong for me.
As I was aching,
He could surely see

In my womb our miracle died.
It was two days
Before our baby would fly
Into Heaven’s bright rays.

Returning to Sender
I can understand.
For if this Lender
Was holding my hand,

My life in His eyes,
My soul in His heart,
I couldn’t be shy.
I surely wouldn’t want to part.

I now think I’ve long enough mourned.
With this new title,
I can’t be that scorned.
Devil, toss your dagger, reins and bridle!

For now, I’m a mother of an angel
That will never fall
And likes to dangle
High above us all.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

your poem "my angel" left me in tears. i never even tought to think of it in that way... being a mother of an angel. i have grown bitter toward pregnant women, children, and even God because i hurt so bad. but i think ill start looking at it the way u have.