Dear Anonymous...

5/23/07

Anonymous said...

"why don't you think about nature for a second? if there was a god, you wouldn't be having trouble conceiving, would you? there's a reason it's not happening and there are lots of kids that need homes. and your nursery is creepy. you're like one of those women who plan their weddings before they've even met their future husband."
May 23, 2007 10:57 AM

Everyone is entitled to their opinion and freedom of speech. I'm not going to be arguing against that. All I ask is that you do not attack my faith, my God. Just because I have issues with conceiving, doesn't mean that my God doesn't exist. I blame none of this on Him. I ask for His support and guidance. He never promised us life would be perfect. He actually promised that life would be full of tests and struggles and that these things would prove faith in Him. He has never given me more than I can handle, which was also promised. I've been pushed right to the breaking point, but never over it.

You're right, there is a reason it hasn't happened...yet. I don't know the reason, I'm not God. And yes, there are several children that all need homes, but if you had had any mind enough to do some research before being critical, you would have discovered that my husband and I do not yet meet the adoption criteria. We are not of age and have not yet been officially married long enough. Not to mention that adoptions cost upward of $20,000 + (of which you cannot finance through an agency as if you were purchasing a car). Adoption may very well be in the cards for us and if that is how God wants to bring a child into our life, He will lead us in that direction, Himself. He has not yet done so. We pray and talk to Him on a daily basis and He does give us direction and choices to make...none of those are in the way of adoption yet. However, that is personal and is between He and us.

My being "creepy" is your opinion as well. Some people do actually plan for children. Not everyone sees it as a spur of the moment thing and it's not always a "surprise" for everyone. It's nothing like "planning a wedding for a future husband." Husbands and weddings are far less complicated than having children. All little girls dream of their wedding day, but I did not have it planned out and my husband had a great deal of input. Having children takes maturity, and with maturity you realize that they have needs and one of those needs is to have a loving home. That is something our child will not be lacking. I began that nursery in the unknowing state that we didn't have fertiltiy issues. I didn't realize that fact until months later and then I took a break from the nursery for a while. The painting on the walls is a very time consuming project as it was done by me and I work full time. When you are pregnant, you can't be on ladders and surrounded by paint fumes. I had to finish that nursery because that is the nursery I want my child to have. I put in over 200 hours creating it and with each stroke of my brush, I felt in my bones I was doing the right thing. I already am in love with our child. So in love, that I wanted him or her to have the coolest room around...colors, happiness, love. It takes a lot to prepare for a child...more than most expect, especially financially. I didn't want to worry or struggle once the baby was here. I want to be able to enjoy my child. Everything in that room is paid for...even clothes! We don't have to worry about anything once we're expecting and I'm very thankful that we've already had the opportunity to do that. Maybe that is God's reasoning for our situation. Maybe He wants to wait to bless us with a child when our circumstances are perfect. I still don't know that, but it's a thought. I do know one thing...my God has already promised me a child and He never breaks His promises!

I'm sorry you feel the way you do. You made that comment sound hateful and bitter...not just myself but to a whole group of women who are in the same boat as me. None of us asked for this and we have moments of frustration where we need to vent. That is one of the reasons for this space. We are all only human. There are many people who've read your comment and have been hurt and they've all approaced me about it. I've told them that I feel so bad for you. I so wish bitterness didn't engulf your process of thinking. I can't speak for everyone, but I do forgive you and I hope that you somehow find your own hope in your own life.

I am also happy to announce (to everyone) that Chris has been hired to a new company...one week to the day of his being laid off. He loves this job more than his previous one, as this company has a much better management staff. God is great!!

Got a Surprise Visit...Aunt Flow Showed Up!

5/18/07

The bad news: I'm not pregnant for the month of May. The worse news: Chris lost his "new" job on 5/14...stupid assholes! So much for great/cheaper health insurance and financial breathing room. Geeeesh! The good news: I just started a new cycle by myself...no progesterone!! YAY! Even better news: We're going to have an IUI in June! Maybe this is it, maybe it'll all happen for us. After all this time, tests, waiting...maybe this cycle will be the one!

We met with our RE on 5/16 for another consult. I didn't think I'd even have a chance of starting a new cycle until 5/25. I'm glad we met with her a little early. She went ahead and wrote me a script for Clomid. I have to take it from Cycle Day 3 through 7. From there, I'll have to go in for another ultrasound to check the size and count of my follicles (future eggs). If all looks good, she'll give me the date Chris will have to inject me with the ovulation trigger. A few days after that, we go in for the long awaited IUI! I'm so excited right now and so full of hope for JUNE! I don't want this hope to end. Oh, please pray for us...pray that this is the cycle, this is our turn!! I so want this to be it!!

M-Day: Fight or Flight?

5/12/07

It's fast approaching...the day that all infertile women fear: Mother's Day. Tomorrow, all across the Country, people will be celebrating what is supposed to be a woman's God-given right...the right to be a mother. Will I be celebrating? According to social standing, I really can't celebrate for myself. I do however have a mother, a mother in law, grandmothers, cousins, and all our sisters in law are mothers. The word is all around me! I can't escape and it's a little frustrating. Actually, mucho grande frustrating! I will have a little solice though...tomorrow I have to work. I haven't been so excited to work on a weekend in a long time!

I shouldn't tease myself though...even at work, I won't be able to escape. Everytime I turn around there is another nicely rounded baby belly, baby shower invites posted on doors, or new arrival emails just staring me in the face. Then I have the "well-meaning" people saying the inevitable: "You have plenty of time," "Just be patient, honey," and one of my top favorites, "You're next!" Ooooohhhhh!!! If they only knew how much those little well meaning phrases stung, they would run for the hills knowing how much I'm on the brink of just cold-cocking someone right in the face! Sound a little bitter? Ya think!?!? Geeeessshhhh! Get a clue people! But alas, I keep my cool, give a little noncommittal smile, raised eyebrows (really in disbelief), and nod my head just to appease them so that they will walk away feeling that their pitty phrases really helped. Then, with my uterus feeling even more empty than before, I walk in the opposite direction with tears following. That in turn, pushes me to my latest addiction, the APA forum online where people actually understand what the hell I mean by all this! I really don't know where I'd be without the ladies on there. God has blessed me just enough to give me that comfort of knowing we're not alone in this struggle. For that, I'm eternally grateful.

Chris and I discussed that this month would be the last month of attempting to conceive "naturally" before hopefully moving on to IUI in June. So, in the hopes that I would actually ovulate on my own, I decided to start charting/temping this month. Looking at my chart, it appears that I did in fact "O" on 5/8. Which now puts me in what we APA gals call the 2WW or 2 week wait. Which means, that we now just have to wait the 2 weeks between ovulation and the time I should begin mensus. If it comes, of course our plan has failed, yet again (big shocker? I think not.). If it doesn't come, then that means one of two things: Either I'm pregnant or my cycle is being difficult again and I really never "Oed" anyway. Of course, we are hoping for the first of those two options, but I'm not really counting on it.

I want to dedicate this post to all the women out there struggling to conceive. I want to wish all of us a Happy Mother's Day. We deserve it. And you know I'm going to tell you why! Here's to us because we are fighting a daily battle trying to ensure our children have a future. We are planning for them and protecting their lives even though they don't know it yet. We are going through all the stress that mothers go through...but we go above and beyond what the typical mom has to deal with. The mother figure loses sleep at night hoping her baby makes it home safely; we lose sleep at night hoping our baby makes it safely home to our womb. We already have to worry about all the "mom" stuff...balanced diet, vitamins, Dr.'s appointments, being over-protective, ect. We go through the Hell of being "lab rats" each and everyday. We voluntarily allow Dr.s and nurses to poke and prod, to violate and humiliate so that we may have the optimum environment for our soon to be growing child. We talk, cry, scream, and constantly worry with our husbands as we are forced to over-prepare for becoming parents. We spoil our children with gifts that are just awaiting their arrival into our home. We deal with a much more complicated grading system than even public schools can come up with: Not just F's, but FSH's, BFN's, LH's, IUI's, IVF's, FET's, RE's, PA's, US's, and the list goes on and on and on...the best grade our kids can get is the oh so precious BFP! So, for all of us struggling to concieve, have a wonderful Mother's Day because each and everyone of us are already Mom's whether society believes it or not. I say we all stand together in unison and fight for our annual right to be pampered on the "hallowed uterus-worshiping day!" Cheers!!

Confusion

5/1/07

I finally had my HSG today. The procedure was rather intense, with much pain! On the positive side, I have a "beautiful" uterus and clear tubes. Furthermore, I finally got to see and and speak with my actual RE again! That was a miracle in itself. However, I still have no answers...at least none that are plausable to me. She seems to think that I don't have PCOS. She thinks that me having 11 follicles in my right ovary is perfectly normal for my age. Therefore, she's not testing me any further for it...at least not until I decide I'm going to bitch. For now, we'll play her game and I do pray that she is right and I'm wrong. If that's the case, I'll get "results" much quicker if I don't have PCOS.

I asked the ultimate question though: "Well, Doc...if everything is 'fine,' why can't I get pregnant?" She then replied back with the answer I feared, "You have what the majority of 'infertile' women have...'unexplained infertility'." There you have it! All these months of waiting, testing, trying, crying...what is my big answer?!?! "Unexplained Infertility!" You have to be kidding...all of this and you can't really give me an answer? Well, that's what I was thinking anyway. Am I glad that it's not anything huge, like no sperm or completely blocked tubes? Yes I am. Although, at least those people know their outcome and their treatment. We, on the other hand, are no further along now than we were this time last year! On paper, we should be able to be pregnant but we're not. This in itself points to a serious problem but it just can't be explained! The frustration doesn't seem to end! At least when I thought PCOS was the ailment, I had a plan in mind and things would start happening with treatment! Now, we basically have to start shooting in the dark.

My RE is leaving town for two weeks but when she gets back we have to have another consult to discuss what our options are and what the next step is. From what I understand of this last visit, I think she wants to proceed with Clomid and IUI. The catch there? I have to start another period before they can move on with that. This leads me to believe I might be waiting a while because my cylces aren't exactly cooperating here lately. They'll probably have to put me back on progesterone again. Uhhhgggg!

Moral of the day: "Wanna hear God laugh? Tell him your plans!"