Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Cutting the Proverbial Cord


We've just had our second IUI. To be honest, I don't feel very hopeful about this cycle. I only had one egg compared to two last cycle and Chris only had 28 million little swimmers compared to 56 million last time. I've lost a lot of hope. I realize today exactly how exhausted I am...emotionally and physically.

I took the "trigger" shot on 6/30, and had an adverse reaction this time. I have a huge welt on my abdomen at the injection site. It's quite painful but the Dr.'s say it is normal. It freaked me out as I did not have this complication last time. I'm bruised on my arm from nurses drawing blood. I even have a permanent bruise on my hand from the months of blood work. I'm so stressed about everything right all seems to be coming to a head.

Medical bills are starting come in and each month we're going through an extra $1,000 aside from regular bills due to treatment not being covered by medical insurance. Not to mention the gas we go through traveling back and forth from Augusta. That four-hour trek happens four to five times a month.

I've slept the majority of today and even as I type, my eyes are burning to shut. I'm just worn out. I have hormones racing through me via presciptions and injections. I'm emotional, which is not like me at all. I just feel like I could fall asleep and not wake up for about a week.

Between these and other stresses, such as my grandmother being on her deathbed and my responsibilities at work and to our extended families, I'm just ready give it up. My brain tells me one thing and my heart says another. Chris wants me to take a break if this time around isn't successful. I was so full of hope last month, but with everything going on now it's faded considerably.

I'll have an answer in about two weeks, but I'm not as anxious this time as I have been in the past tries. Normally, the waiting period is killer but I'm taking it stride now. Mainly, I think that's because I'll go nuts if I add that thought onto my plate right now. I'm just ready to be off this roller coaster. To quit TTC or not to quit TTC, that is the question? I'm very lost and low on hope right now...and it's not a pleasant place to be. There aren't too many people who truly understand what we're going through right now. One and a half years of this so far and to do it for another year and half??? Is that even possible? Definitely not financially! I don't think I can handle it physically or emotionally! I also don't think I will be able to continue to take off work for Dr.'s appointments as I'm sensing slight annoyances of my bosses. Maybe it's time to let this dream die. *cries self to sleep*

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I hate to hear that you are losing faith. Sometimes, we go through trials and tribulations that make us question our own strength. Only time can reveal to us the 'why' of it all but know this.. out of any one person I know, you are one of the strongest, bravest, most kind hearted individuals. Your love, patience, and faith will see you through. I know there are no words, and all the overused phrases are like nails on a chalkboard. No one wants to hear them, everyone says them. May God hold you in the palm of his hand and bring you peace that only his arms can offer. I will continue to pray for the two of you, asking for the miracle you so deserve. Keep your face to the sunlight and lean not on your own understanding.