Saturday, July 14, 2007

Friday the Thirteenth


Today was most definitely bad luck for us. I am, yet again, not pregnant. Surprise, surprise. I'm feeling very defeated. I don't know what I would do without Chris though. He, among a group of online friends, is the only one who understands what this does to me. He is the only one who knows what to say and what to do. For that reason, I've come to the conclusion that I will not be talking to anyone else about this matter. People ask and are curious about this whole process and, up until now, I've been very open with most. I'm cutting that off. Everytime a discussion is brought up, those lovely "well-meaning" people always manage to say things that make me feel worse. I'm not sure how they manage to do this, but it's utterly amazing. Just when I think that I can't feel any further guilt-ridden, someone proves me wrong. I know they don't mean to do it, but nevertheless it still hurts. Their ignorance is my pain. I just can't deal with it anymore. The remarks continuously play back in my mind, litterally haunting me:

Well-Meaning People & My Fantasy Responses:

"At least you haven't been trying for 5-10 years!" I shouldn't have to!
"You're just over-thinking it, stop and it'll happen." Why don't I just stop breathing too?
"You're just stressing about it too much." You're the cause of my stress!
"It'll happen when you least expect it." I do least expect it!
"Why not adopt?" Why not fund the $25,000 for me?
"You're next!" You're an idiot!
"...and we all know Nicole loves kids!" No! Really? I hadn't realized!
"Wouldn't you love to have one of those!" No, I want my own!
"Maybe you should just take a break." Maybe I should break your neck?
"You'll understand when you have kids." You'll understand when you have a brain!

I could go on and on for ages. I could make a book about what NOT to say to someone who is trying to concieve! I sincerely, out of the hope for humanity, believe that people say these things becuase they are very uneducated about reproduction and really do not know what to say to those of us in a situation of infertility. *rolls eyes*

I've been quite confused today regarding what step to take next. Our Dr. likes to try at least three rounds of IUI with Clomid. I can't help but feel at this point like we are wasting money on a procedure that is obviously not working for us. I wanted to have a consult with our Dr. to discuss our options, so I called the nurse to let her know I've started another cycle. I informed her of my dilemma and she checked our Dr.'s schedule for the next time she would be available for a consult. The next date is August 8th! That would mean that we would be throwing this cycle away and really instictly already know what she is going to tell us anyway. She will say that she recommends 3 rounds of IUI/Clomid but that she would bump us up to injectables/IUI if we wanted. That may possibly work "better," but we don't know and it's much more expensive than what we are doing now. We are spending about $1,000 a month on medical bills currently. With injectibles, that will more than double. Not to mention, that I think I'm getting poked enough as it is without adding more needles to the madness. I called Chris at work to go over these so called options and we've agreed to do one more round of Clomid/IUI. That's all the Dr. will do anyhow before telling us to move on to injectibles. I'm not sure if we are doing this out of what little hope we have left or because we are already financially strapped and are scared to leap into more bills?!? All I know is that we've somehow mustered up the strength to move forward at least one more time. Not sure how we'll feel this time next month.

1 comment:

MoonNStarMommy said...

{{{HUGS}}} That's all I can give you is {{HUGS}} I know and understand that frustration so well. Although, mine was secondary infertility. Still hurt just as bad. It took me 5 years to get my second child, and I was on Clomid to get him.. and it only happened when I least expected it, and honestly, least wanted it to, because my ex and I were having marital issues. But I got pregnant on my birthday and my ex and I continues on with our marriage. We tried again after our #2 was born, and suffered from at least 3 more years of actively trying ... but we got a divorce, and now I'm married to my love :) I'm not going to say it'll happen for you, because I don't know - but if I had that crystal ball I'd make a fortune!! But I sure hope it does.