Round Two!

6/28/07

I'm on cycle day 12. I went in for my follicle monitoring ultra sound this morning. I have many follies in my right ovary, but they are all too immature to have any hope of making it to ovulation. I have one "nice" follie in my left ovary, currently measuring 16mm. They ran blood work to check my Estridol and LH levels. My LH level is still very low, which means I won't be ovulating in the next 12-48 hours. My Estridol level is at 76, which is supposedly good and in accordance with my follicle's size.

To recap, last month I had two "nice" follicles in my left ovary both measuring 18mm on cycle day 18. My Estridol level last month was 168 on that same day. I was just informed today that my Estridol level from last month was low seeing as how there were two eggs released. This month, there aren't as many follicles but the one I do have is maturing quicker than last month.

I start using my Ovulation Predictor Kits today. If I don't get a positive test by Saturday morning, I have to call the Dr. and set up our 2nd IUI for Monday, July 2, 2007. I will have to give myself another "trigger" shot on 6/30 if I don't get a positive reading by that Saturday morning.

I am cautiously excited about this 2nd IUI. I'm really hoping this is the one...but also trying not to get my hopes up high. This last cycle was very difficult to take. Finding out we weren't pregnant on Father's Day was even worse than the usual negative HPT. Just another blow, with a little more sting each passing month. Satan is trying so hard to bring us down to his level. We're not going there. I know with all I am that we will have a child of our own...a little combination of us both. That keeps me going.

Some days are harder than others. The News makes it difficult to understand why this is happening to us. Everyday, I can turn on the News and see an innocent baby hurt or killed by his/her parents or loved ones. Why? Just this week I read of a Pro Wrestler who killed his wife and his seven year old son before hanging himself! Why? I also read of a 21-yr old man who shook his 2 month old baby to death because she was crying! Why? Why would anyone do these things? Better yet, why do they get the gift of having children if all they will do is harm them? Things like this make our situation evermore trying.

In addition, we still have those handy dandy "well-meaning" people to cope with. The ones who seem to think stress is our problem. "Just stop trying and it'll happen." "Don't think about it and it'll happen." "Just relax and it'll come." I could go on and on. I don't understand why people can't comprehend that this type of worldly advice does not help! I try my best to just put on a foe happy face, grit my teeth, hold my tongue and walk away. I would love to ask where they received their medical degree. Seriously, would they tell a cancer patient to "just relax" and a cure will happen? NO, they don't! Why? Because they know better; they understand that cancer is a serious medical condition that requires medical treatment. There are so many people out there who are very ignorant to the medical condition of Infertility. A glass of wine is not a treatment, nor cure. When these "well-meaning" people harp on infertiles to "just relax," it only makes us want to punch their face in. They are implying that we are simply tight asses who are overly obsessed with getting pregnant. Even if we were, that has nothing to do with the actual condition, nor does stress affect one's ability to achieve conception. I really don't know why they think the way they do. All we really want to hear/know is that they are praying/rooting for us. That they love us and we are in their thoughts. We just want to know that someone is there backing us with support, an ear to listen, and a shoulder to cry on. We don't need advice, that's what we're paying the Doctors for.

God is Great!

6/18/07

No, I'm still not pregnant. I do, however, have money to replenish our medical savings account! I was greeted at work today with an $1,800 commission check that I really wasn't expecting! Now we will be able to move forward with our trying to conceive plans.

I spoke to our Dr. today and I was correct in the assumption that we would do another Clomid/IUI. She set me up for my first ultra sound of this cycle on 6/28. I start the Clomid tomorrow. I'm hoping for several eggs to mature so that it will increase our chances. July has to be our month! Because I'm really not sure how many more of these negatives we can handle. Each one is immensely devastating!

Dear God, Thank you!

Happy Not-a-Father Day!

6/17/07

I really wanted to wake up today and take a home pregnancy test, have it be positive, and then get to tell my husband "Happy Father's Day!" As we all know by now, my plans never go as expected. Today was a nightmare.

I woke up around 5:30 AM with antcipation of the pregnancy test not allowing me sleep! I took it and of course it was a negative! Thinking and trying to keep myself calm I say, "Well, it's still just too early...I'm only 10 days past ovulation." I went back to bed. We awoke at 8:30 AM to a bright and sunny Father's Day. Then I went to the bathroom, lo and behold, Aunt Flow showed up. I was miserable. I broke down into tears and Chris immediately knew what that meant. He, again, did his best to comfort me and I knew he was dying inside as we now had to go stuff all these emotions behind our backs and suffer through a Father's Day Lunch with his family. A lunch where we knew there would be babies and Dads galore! Somehow, we managed to pull through and made a quick exit proceeding the gift-giving.

Next on the agenda, was to see my family for the day. We were to have a simple and small cookout which we both could emotionally handle due to the fact there would be no children present. We arrived at their house around 2 PM where we discovered that my Mom had just called 911 as my live-in Grandmother had suffered a stroke. We followed suit to the hospital where we got to sit and wait, and wait, and wait, and then we waited somemore. Finally, they said, "There is nothing we can do." They admitted her and said they would make sure she stayed "comfortable." We made it back to my parents' house around 8:30 PM and still tried to enjoy the remainder of the evening by having our family cookout.

I'm so emotionally drained from today that I'm finding it utterly impossible to keep my eyes open. I am very upset and don't even have it in me to bring out any tears. I have to call the Dr. on Monday and see what our next course of action is to be. I'm sure she'll have us do another round of Clomid/IUI. I'm not really sure how we'll afford it though. I found out earlier this week what I had to pay out for our quarterly 2007 estimated taxes on 6/15. My jaw dropped when our accountant said, "$2,000.00!!" That cleaned out our savings account...which was the funding for all our medical expenses. Just one round of IUI is $600! I'm feeling rather hopeless at the moment as there is no financing option for any of this. It's either you pay on the spot or it doesn't happen!

Dear God, I know You may not hear this one very often (or maybe You do), but we need money to get pregnant! Happy Father's Day! Love, Two Very Disappointed Believers.

The Waiting Game

6/6/07

It's been two weeks since the last post and a lot has happened! 6/1 was Chris's birthday and we had a blast with the family at City Slickers, our favorite restaurant! Chris adores his new job and he is learning new things everyday.

Today is cycle day 20 for me on the trying to conceive forefront. I've been charting and temping everyday as to not miss ovulation. Two days ago, I became worried that I had already ovulated and would miss having our IUI this month. I called our RE and she had me come in for an ultrasound. The good news was that I had not yet "Oed" and had TWO mature egg follicles measuring 18 mm. Eggs usually ovulate between 18 to 26 mm and they grow, on average, 2 mm a day. The bad news was that it was getting too late into the cycle for us just to "wait" for my body to trigger ovulation. It might have or might not have. So, they sent me home with a "trigger" shot filled with HCg hormone. I injected myself that night at 8:45 PM.

Cycle day 19, yesterday, I took an ovulation predictor kit and it was positive!! I called the Dr. and she set us up for an IUI at 8:45 AM today! We left the house this morning at 5:15 AM because we live 2 hours away from the Dr.'s office. Chris had to be there at 7:45 AM for his little "donation" to this project. His little guys went through a "washing" process, which is where they remove bacteria, seamen, and any deformed sperm. They only needed 10 million to do the IUI. The Dr. came in to let us know his count was excellent and they were very motile! He had 56 million little swimmers after the washing!! Dr. Murphy performed the IUI and it was painless, well for a little while anyhow. Everything went as planned and we were out by 10 AM. As today has progressed, I'm very crampy and sore in my lower abdomen. This is normal but not fun. I will be resting for the remainder of the day and praying that I'm pregnant! Now, we play the two week waiting game!

P.S. Happy Birthday, Dad!! :)