Friday, July 24, 2009

When in Rome, Do as the Romans Do?


Yet again, it's been a long time since my last post.  For some reason though I am in the mood to write today.  Chris and I just returned from our Italian Holiday!  Yes, this year for his Birthday I surprised him with a trip to Italia as well as seeing his favorite singer while in Italy...Andrea Bocelli!  We left on the 10th and returned on the 21st.  What a blast we had!  It all just went by too quickly.

Our base was in Cortona and we traveled by train, bus, and taxi to Rome, Florence, Siena, Montepulciano, Venice, Volterra, & the site of the Bocelli concert, Lajatico, Italy.  Chris fell in love with Toscana and I fell in love with it all, all over again.  We've dreamed of going to Italy together since we were 16 years old and I finally had the wonderful opportunity to experience it with him this year so I went for it!

So, the question you all must be asking: "Well, did the Italian Holiday allow for you to get knocked up?"  Um.  No.  Sorry to disappoint all of you out there who seem to think taking a vacation will magically make the infertile couples of the world fertile.  Ha!  If only it were that simple.  No, no...we're not pregnant and I don't think I've been pregnant since that one and only time but I continue to refuse to take pregnancy tests and every month Aunt Flo eventually rears her ever so ugly head and well, I'm right again.

We are, however, discussing the possibility of adoption again.  I was not the one to bring it up this time...Chris did.  About three months ago, he put the conversation back on the table after about a year of silence on the topic.  We've been seriously talking about it ever since (privately, until now).  We have decided to take one baby step (pardon the pun) at a time in the direction of Foster Care Adoption.  The number one reason for our choice about foster care adoption verses private domestic infant adoption or international adoption is the price tag.  Foster Care Adoption is something we can afford.  Unfortunately, agencies have made private adoptions so expensive, we'd have to take out a loan to the tune of about $40K to proceed with that.  In reality, we just can't afford it.  What will we likely sacrifice:  The chance of raising a child from infancy.  I don't yet know how I feel about that.  I want to raise a baby.  I want us to be able to experience the "firsts."  I'm already missing the first kick in the womb, the birth, first smile, etc.  I want to get as many firsts as possible so when my child asks me in the  future,  "Mom, what was my first word?"  I'll be able to answer.  Maybe that is selfish?  I don't really care.  We've already had to give up so much and we have wants, needs, and dreams too.  We deserve to have our dreams come true.

Chris told his Dad the news a few days ago and  the result was less than least in my  husband's eyes as I was not there to hear the length of the conversation.  His Dad is
 supposedly supportive but posed a question that we're insulted by: "Well, what happens when you adopt and then Nicole becomes pregnant?"  Chris was like, that would be great!  I'd have two kids!  His Dad seems to think that we'll show favortism to the biological child because well, blood is blood.  They would both be OUR kids, no matter how they come into our family.  I also took the comment to mean that there will likely be favortism to the grandkids that are already in the family as they are biological.  I'm not really sure how to react to this.  Should I address this comment that I was not even present to hear or do I let it go?  

Our alliance has to be to our kids once the kids are in the picture so, if there is to be any favortism going on then we would have to separate ourselvs from his family for the sake of the child.  I really do not want that to happen as we have a semi-close relationship with his parents.  I want them to accept any child we bring into this family as if the child were biological.  My parents, on the other hand, are 100% supportive and do not have any other grandkids at the moment.  I believe that his parents would love it if we started medical treatment again and "kept trying."  They don't understand that 3.5 years of this crap is exhausting!  We've been there, done that, and the tee shirt wasn't worth the cost.  They don't get it and just keep saying, "Your time will come."  That's fine and dandy and maybe one day we will get pregnant but I wish they would recognize that it might not happen in the way they want it to happen.  We are both at a point where we want to be parents more than have replicas of ourselves running around.  We just want a baby to love and raise and we could at least pass on our values and insights if not our genes.  I believe that God will lead us to the child we are meant to have either via adoption, pregnancy, or maybe, just maybe both.  Now to have them understand it the way we do...

No part of this journey can be simple and clear cut.  We always seem to be fighting something whether it be the infertility itself or others' opionions and beliefs.  I wish I knew what to do.  To make everyone happy and do what they want us to do or to be ourselves and follow our own dreams?  God help us and them and the child that has yet to come into our life.  


foxyCDN said...

My husband and I are going through the same thing you are right now. Over 3 years of nonsense of not being able to get pregnant (no medical reason why and no treatment helped), so we're also looking ahead to adopt through the foster care program. And yes, right now it's due to finances. Would I rather spend $40k on a couple kids and our family as a whole to better our lives, or spend $40k to adopt a kid from another country just because the kid is younger, stuff the pockets of overpriced adoption agencies, and still have medical costs, housing costs, clothing costs, food costs, daycare, everything to pay for after the $40k. What a difference the money could make in a child's life here in the US already in a destitute situation. We would not be able to proceed until late next year, but we're researching now. I too don't want to miss out on the "firsts", but one first I wouldn't mind having is the first time a child who has been through Hell and back trusts me and tells me they love ME. The first time they felt safe, the first time they knew they would always have a meal (and a good healthy meal) ready for the, the first time they knew they belonged to someone whose whole world was about them. Those firsts are firsts I can't wait for and so much more. Love is love, and love is a stronger bond than love I think. I'm going to keep frquenting your blog, my infertility blog has long grown old as there's nothing to add anymore to it but more pain, so I'm going to start a new one soon. My prayers for you two! Know you are not alone and some strange young couple in Kansas is going through the same thing at the same time!

All the best,

Nicole said...

Jessica, I greatly appreciate your comment and thank you for reading my ramblings. :) It is comforting to know that we are not all alone in this strange world. Thank you for your prayers and I've sent some in return.