Friday, November 12, 2010

10,000 Spoons. When All We Need is a Knife.

11/12/10


Isn't it ironic? Cliche`, I know...but true, nonetheless.

I've certainly come to learn in the last year that the adoption process is just as much a roller coaster as infertility. One week, we're high on hope and the next we come crashing right back down to reality. We've had quite a bit of "action" going on in the last few weeks. As you know, we were waiting to hear back about the sibling set of 3 (two girls and a boy). Well, we heard back this week and we were rejected. Then our caseworker contacted us about a sibling set of two (boy 2yrs and girl 6 months)! Completely pumped about the situation and ready to be Mom and Dad as I'm sure you can imagine. Something like this just doesn't happen in the foster care world. This opportunity will likely never happen again. At the same time, our worker sent our homestudy off to another caseworker about 2 girls, ages 4 & 6, who we have not heard anymore about to date.

A few days ago, our worker called to let me know that we were the #2 pick out of five families for the two babies. NUMBER TWO! As if that were a good thing. No. That was her way of letting me down "easy." "However," she says, "we have another sibling set for you and you have been picked for them!" They are two boys and a girl (10, 8, & 7). BLONDE hair and blue eyes. I feel horrible. I am not excited about them in the least. I should be. Right? They are precious, beautiful children and have very little behavior issues. Sounds like a blessing, I know. Again, I feel so bad.

Three kids has always been our limit. I've always wanted the experience of raising a baby, or at least a toddler. With this set, we don't get that chance. Plus, we would find it a huge plus to be "matched" with children who somewhat resemble us. I don't want to have to answer questions all the time from complete strangers about why our kids don't look like us. There is just no way I can explain away blonde hair when both Chris and I have raven colored hair. I'm sure this all seems irrelevant to many out there. You might be thinking...they are children and that is what you want, right? So you should be jumping for joy that you've finally been "chosen." That has to be crossing your mind...it's crossing mine. I shouldn't be so picky. After all, these poor, great kids have been horribly treated by their bio parents...things they have been through are just unimaginable for most. They absolutely deserve great parents. I just don't think we are the great parents for them. No matter what I tell myself, I still feel crappy for not being accepting of whatever situation we are "chosen" for. It hurts my heart and yet I can't force feelings for them that just aren't there. I can't help but feel more excited and anxious about the 4 & 6 yr old girls who I know nothing more about. Ironic? Yes.

It figures that the one time in a year that we are "matched," it just isn't a match. I've found hundreds of children we want to be parents to and none of their caseworkers will give us the time of day. I guess we'll keep searching and waiting for our knife.



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Thursday, October 28, 2010

Unanswered Prayers

10/29/10
I feel as if we have signs advertising what tragic excuses we must be for parents hanging 'round our necks. We waited and waited to hear about those three children and thier caseworker seemed to avoid our caseworker like she possessed the plague (AKA. us). Yesterday, I was browsing our state's waiting children photo listing, I discovered that the three children we've been longing to love have been matched with another family. To top it off, two days ago, our caseworker contacted me with the prospect of two very young siblings who would need immidiate placement. I was ecstatic to say the least and, like an idiot, assumed we would surely be the obvious choice. Right. No, wrong...again. That was two days ago and our worker has not yet heard back from the babies' worker.

So, obviously upset, I ran to my social addiction: Facebook...to post "What was on my mind." Simply put: "I'm just so very disappointed." But then of course a few of my friends needed to know more. Certainly. I then explained my dissatisfaction. I feel, perhaps, my online FB friends have become "immune" to our experience and the few who've not simply don't know what to say...well, they don't know what to say without it stinging my senses, namely: common sense. Who can blame them, really? They don't know. They are fertile. They have children. They really cannot begin to comprehend what our journey is like unless they have an immense amount of insight and empathy, which let's face it, most people don't. There are a few who do, don't get me wrong. For those few, I'm so utterly grateful for their grace and humility.

I try very hard to be a Godly woman. I struggle as everyone, maybe moreso than most. I trust God and I put faith in His Word. However, it always seems there are people out there who know His relationship with me better than I do. I don't want to get all religious and righteous but I simply would like to inform people that there are some things best not said to people in pain. I love my friends but some need lessons in comforting.

So, for those out there, honestly, that never know what to say in an awkward situation with their infertile friends...I'm here to help you. Please, please, never tell them to be thankful for Unanswered Prayers and that God has reasons for not giving them children. Think. Before. You. Speak. Would you really tell someone who has lost a loved one to cancer, "Hey friend, you should be thankful that God didn't let your spouse live...yea, that's it...be thankful for those unanswered prayers." Um, no, you would not say that. And, if you would say that, please promptly exit this website and go jump off a bridge.

Let me give you the secret response(s)...don't worry, it's FREE advice! All we need to know or hear is that you love us, you are thinking about us, you continue to pray for us, and that you know we deserve to be parents and that this world is so incredibly unfair for dealing us the hand of cards we're holding. Any one or all of those thoughts will work wonders for us and you. Other than that, just be there...let us vent and be our shoulder to cry on when we need it. Our pain is very real so please, be a real friend and try your absolute best to have some empathy. This lesson can also come in handy for other painful situations so feel free to try it out.

Furthermore, try and keep any religious thoughts out of your "well-meant" comments. They suck. Realize that for many people, their relationship with God is, like their relationship with their spouse, a very, very personal thing. You don't need to overstep your boundaries. It's ok to say that YOU are praying for us because that is YOUR relationship with God. Do not ever tell US to pray to God because that implies that you know my relationship with God better than I know it. Big mistake. Don't tell me that our having children is in God's time. How do you know, really? That implies that God felt it more necessary to give Mr. Child Molester down the street a baby girl but my loving, caring, big hearted husband doesn't fit into God's timing enough to warrant him being a Dad. Same goes for Ms. Meth Addict across the county who has a newborn baby boy addicted to drugs because God saw it fit for her to be pregnant while she was using rather than permit me to carry that precious gift. Guess it just didn't fit in His timing nor His plan. Please don't insult my intelligence and my God by saying those things. It's quite uncouth and can create quarrelsome relations.

To my readers, I hope you feel inclined to share this post with your friends and family as I'm sure you understand exactly how this feels. You understand how desperately tact needs to be taught in a society where people never know what to say but usually seem to say the wrong things.
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Thursday, September 30, 2010

Still

9/30/10

I'm still here. Still waiting. Still praying as those prayers continue to remain unanswered. We've now been in the adoption journey for over a year and have yet to be matched with any children. We were tunred down for Danny twice. We've since found many, many more children we are interested in but keep being turned away as we are considered "inexperienced parents." We are currently waiting to hear back about a sibling group of three (two girls and a boy). Their ages are 10, 7, & 2. They are in GA and we're very excited about them; however, that excitement is extremely premature. It is so hard to see their pictures and read their life history and not become attached to them right away. We want to love them. We want to give them a chance. We want to be their family. Unfortunately, it seems no one is ever willing to give us a chance to be and do all those things. I'm very jaded now, by this process. It is no longer an adventure and it is not what I expected it to be. I do, still, have faith that we will be parents via adoption, no matter how broken our foster care system is.


I still secretly hold out hope that I'll conceive naturally as well. This Saturday, October 2, 2010, Chris and I will have been together 11 years. The majority of that relationship we've had unprotected sex and I've only been pregnant once, confirmed. I shouldn't, realistically, hold out a lick of hope but somehow every month I manage to play the "what if" game. What if it's this month? What if I see two pink lines? How will I tell Chris when I see those pink lines? Who will he/she look like and act like? I still play these head games with myself and every month, without fail, Aunt Flo shows up for her visit. Like today.
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Tuesday, June 15, 2010

You're Qualified, but Not Really

6/15/10



Again, it's been a while since I've updated this site and I'm sorry to those that kept up with our story for so long. I have been wanting, almost needing, to write now for months but it just seems that so many things kept preventing me...time mainly. I wish I could tell you that we've been too busy keeping up with the pitter-patter of little feet running about the house but I'd be lying.

Chris and I are still in Adoption mode so that has not changed. We were FINALLY approved a few days before Christmas 2009. We were absolutely thrilled and the only thing that could have made the moment better was actually having a child in our home. We are now over 10 months into our Adoption journey and no good news. We haven't gotten one placement call from the state of GA. We are looking on our own all over the USA and have found several children whom we've inquired about. Our criteria has even changed a bit. Before, we were head strong on a child 0-3yrs and only one at a time. Now we've expanded to 0-8yrs and will consider a sibling set. Still, no luck.

There was one little boy who stole our hearts right away, never having met him in person. I wanted to be his Mom. His name is Danny and he just turned 7 yrs old in May. He lives in AZ. We found him online in February and immediately requested more information on him and sent them our Homestudy. They responded right away to let us know he was still available and also let us know that he had some behavior issues such as kicking, hitting, and cussing when he didn't get his way. Nonetheless, we were still on board. Finally, in May, a meeting was held where our case and another interested family were discussed. Instead of making a decision on which family to pursue, they moved him to another foster home. When I asked what his committee thought of us, I was told that they were concerned that we'd never been parents before. I then proceeded to ask her when the next meeting would be to make the final decision. She said that they only discussed his case once a month. At that point, my heart sunk in disappointment and disgust. Really? And people wonder why we have so many children in our foster care system. This poor little boy who has spent his 7 yrs on earth being neglected, abused, shut out and he still doesn't have a chance even though the state has "rescued" him. I realized that we'd never get to meet Danny and that he'd never get to call us Mom and Dad. I felt worse for him than I did us. At the rate the system is moving, he'll be a permanent fixture in foster homes until he "ages" out at which point he'll likely become a delinquent. I pray for Danny.

There have been others, probably a hundred. The same excuse is used in most cases. Apparently, my experience in the childcare field (for over half my life) is not enough. I've worked with special needs children, pre-schools, elementary, middle, and even high school ages. We are certified in CPR and First Aid, our home is child proofed, and the state of GA has recognized that we would be fit parents. However, none of this seems to suffice. I don't know what else to do other than to continue praying.

I didn't even tell Chris this, but I believe that I might have miscarried again this past March. I'm still temping/charting so I'll at least know if I'm ovulating. In March, my temperature was elevated for 23 days post ovulation when it normally is only up for 10 days
and then aunt flo comes for a visit. The tests all said negative but I just had that feeling like last time that I was pregnant. I didn't have it confirmed by a Dr. There wasn't really a need to hear the words again. I couldn't bring myself to tell Chris. I've only told one person, today as a matter of fact. But I think I'll continue to stay in denial about it...easier that way.
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