Last Hope

7/25/07

Today was our last shot at becoming parents with medical assistance for a long while. We simply cannot keep affording this...financially and emotionally, month after month. We are truly tired. I really do feel like a human pin cushion. Other than this, today was mildly hopeful...though the same has been said for past procedures.

I went in for my ultra sound two days ago. I had two follicles...one on the left (21mm) and one on the right (19mm), finally. This is the first time in 4 months I've had an egg developing on the right side. My uterine linging was also nicely thinckened at 8.5mm. I was very impressed on how fast these cycles are going.

To recap, for our first IUI, I had two eggs in the left ovary around 20mm each. Chris's count was at 56 million sperm and I don't remember the motility. The procedure happened on cycle day 19. For our second IUI, I had one follicle on the left 19mm and he had 28 million sperm with 60% motility (not much hope there if you ask me). It took place on cycle day 16. This go 'round, Chris had a count of 45 million with 90% motility and the IUI was on cycle day 13. With that said, this cycle doesn't look too bad, expecially since I have an egg on each side. Again, I'm trying not to get my hopes up...as if that ever works.

At the end of the IUI, the Dr. (mind you, three different Dr's have performed each IUI) said, "We'll see you in 14 days for your blood test." I said, "No matter, I'll know in 9 days because that's how long my lueteal phase is." She couldn't believe it was that short and told me they like to see a lueteal phase of 10-16 days. Grant you I had mentioned this little known fact quite a few other times and it was disregarded by everyone else saying that it was quite "normal." HA! Nothing about this process is normal! In any event, she gave me Progesterone to lengthen that time between my ovulation and next cycle. Finally! Someone who actually listens to what the patient has to say! So, I'm on Progesterone and hoping with every fiber I am that it is what does the trick. We shall see.

Friday the Thirteenth

7/13/07

Today was most definitely bad luck for us. I am, yet again, not pregnant. Surprise, surprise. I'm feeling very defeated. I don't know what I would do without Chris though. He, among a group of online friends, is the only one who understands what this does to me. He is the only one who knows what to say and what to do. For that reason, I've come to the conclusion that I will not be talking to anyone else about this matter. People ask and are curious about this whole process and, up until now, I've been very open with most. I'm cutting that off. Everytime a discussion is brought up, those lovely "well-meaning" people always manage to say things that make me feel worse. I'm not sure how they manage to do this, but it's utterly amazing. Just when I think that I can't feel any further guilt-ridden, someone proves me wrong. I know they don't mean to do it, but nevertheless it still hurts. Their ignorance is my pain. I just can't deal with it anymore. The remarks continuously play back in my mind, litterally haunting me:

Well-Meaning People & My Fantasy Responses:

"At least you haven't been trying for 5-10 years!" I shouldn't have to!
"You're just over-thinking it, stop and it'll happen." Why don't I just stop breathing too?
"You're just stressing about it too much." You're the cause of my stress!
"It'll happen when you least expect it." I do least expect it!
"Why not adopt?" Why not fund the $25,000 for me?
"You're next!" You're an idiot!
"...and we all know Nicole loves kids!" No! Really? I hadn't realized!
"Wouldn't you love to have one of those!" No, I want my own!
"Maybe you should just take a break." Maybe I should break your neck?
"You'll understand when you have kids." You'll understand when you have a brain!

I could go on and on for ages. I could make a book about what NOT to say to someone who is trying to concieve! I sincerely, out of the hope for humanity, believe that people say these things becuase they are very uneducated about reproduction and really do not know what to say to those of us in a situation of infertility. *rolls eyes*

I've been quite confused today regarding what step to take next. Our Dr. likes to try at least three rounds of IUI with Clomid. I can't help but feel at this point like we are wasting money on a procedure that is obviously not working for us. I wanted to have a consult with our Dr. to discuss our options, so I called the nurse to let her know I've started another cycle. I informed her of my dilemma and she checked our Dr.'s schedule for the next time she would be available for a consult. The next date is August 8th! That would mean that we would be throwing this cycle away and really instictly already know what she is going to tell us anyway. She will say that she recommends 3 rounds of IUI/Clomid but that she would bump us up to injectables/IUI if we wanted. That may possibly work "better," but we don't know and it's much more expensive than what we are doing now. We are spending about $1,000 a month on medical bills currently. With injectibles, that will more than double. Not to mention, that I think I'm getting poked enough as it is without adding more needles to the madness. I called Chris at work to go over these so called options and we've agreed to do one more round of Clomid/IUI. That's all the Dr. will do anyhow before telling us to move on to injectibles. I'm not sure if we are doing this out of what little hope we have left or because we are already financially strapped and are scared to leap into more bills?!? All I know is that we've somehow mustered up the strength to move forward at least one more time. Not sure how we'll feel this time next month.

Cutting the Proverbial Cord

7/2/07

We've just had our second IUI. To be honest, I don't feel very hopeful about this cycle. I only had one egg compared to two last cycle and Chris only had 28 million little swimmers compared to 56 million last time. I've lost a lot of hope. I realize today exactly how exhausted I am...emotionally and physically.

I took the "trigger" shot on 6/30, and had an adverse reaction this time. I have a huge welt on my abdomen at the injection site. It's quite painful but the Dr.'s say it is normal. It freaked me out as I did not have this complication last time. I'm bruised on my arm from nurses drawing blood. I even have a permanent bruise on my hand from the months of blood work. I'm so stressed about everything right now...it all seems to be coming to a head.

Medical bills are starting come in and each month we're going through an extra $1,000 aside from regular bills due to treatment not being covered by medical insurance. Not to mention the gas we go through traveling back and forth from Augusta. That four-hour trek happens four to five times a month.

I've slept the majority of today and even as I type, my eyes are burning to shut. I'm just worn out. I have hormones racing through me via presciptions and injections. I'm emotional, which is not like me at all. I just feel like I could fall asleep and not wake up for about a week.

Between these and other stresses, such as my grandmother being on her deathbed and my responsibilities at work and to our extended families, I'm just ready give it up. My brain tells me one thing and my heart says another. Chris wants me to take a break if this time around isn't successful. I was so full of hope last month, but with everything going on now it's faded considerably.

I'll have an answer in about two weeks, but I'm not as anxious this time as I have been in the past tries. Normally, the waiting period is killer but I'm taking it stride now. Mainly, I think that's because I'll go nuts if I add that thought onto my plate right now. I'm just ready to be off this roller coaster. To quit TTC or not to quit TTC, that is the question? I'm very lost and low on hope right now...and it's not a pleasant place to be. There aren't too many people who truly understand what we're going through right now. One and a half years of this so far and to do it for another year and half??? Is that even possible? Definitely not financially! I don't think I can handle it physically or emotionally! I also don't think I will be able to continue to take off work for Dr.'s appointments as I'm sensing slight annoyances of my bosses. Maybe it's time to let this dream die. *cries self to sleep*