Thursday, April 12, 2007

Purgatory...The Eternal Wait


Two months ago today, we met with our Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). It was our first consult with a RE and it went rather well. She gave us the run down on what was to come. First, she would need some blood samples from me...mainly to check for Ruebella anitbodies. Then Chris was to have his "testing" done...although, I think he got the better end of the deal! LOL! I was to wait until the 3rd day of my next menstrual cycle and come back to see her for more tests and to be put me back on Clomid. The week following my cycle, I was to come back again for a sonohysterogram (SHG), a hysterosalpinogram (HSG), and an Ultrasound (US). If all tests came back "normal" she would proceed with Intrauterine Insemination (IUI). We left that consult excited that we had a plan and that we'd set the ball in motion!

Well, here I am two months later and still have not even had that "next" menstrual cycle! Six Home Pregnancy (HPT) and two Blood Tests later, all big fat negatives (BFN) of course, she writes me a prescription for Provera (basically a chemical D&C). I have to take these pills for 10 days and I should start a very heavy and excruciating period within 14 days of the last pill. On the bright side, we did find out that Chris is "normal." The down side to that: I'm the problem in this equation.

I'm so frustrated with just having to wait all the time! I'm more so sick and tired of everyone else saying, "Just wait, your time will come!" Shut the Hell up! You have NO freakin' clue what it's like being infertile! No clue as to how and when and even if my time will come! I know people mean well, but all they end up doing is making us feel worse and more so outcasts than before. I still feel like we've been left behind and for what, why??? Still no answer and I don't think there will be one. Everyday, I learn of someone within my family circle or friend circle is pregnant or has just given birth. I can't help but think: "Why are we not good enough for that?"

I am a very faithful Christian and Christ is in my heart always. Every time, I ask him for a "sign" of this situational outcome, he gives me a "half-sign" almost immediately! We were sitting in Church just a few months ago and we had a guest speaker. I was praying for a sign that day and out of no where, the Evangelist asks that anyone dealing with reproductive situations stand. I was the only one to stand...out of a congregation of 500! He prayed healing and said that God would heal this circumstance. I left rejuvenated and completely charged again with Hope. Nothing happened though...nothing that I've noticed anyway. Just last night, I was praying for a "sign" to guide me in the direction I needed to go (with the bottle of Provera in front of me). I didn't know if I should take the pills or wait it out. I then walked into our "future nursery" and picked up the Bible, sat down and started spontaneously flipping the pages. I closed my eyes while the pages flipped and then pointed on a page. When I opened my eyes, (with all the non-relevant stories I could have ended up on) my finger was on the story of Samuel. I read the words out loud, "...a woman named, Hannah, who had no children. She had always wanted a child and had prayed for years...Hannah went to the Temple and prayed to God making the Vow, "Lord, if you give me a son I promise to give him back to You and he shall do Your Work."" Now, I say He gives me "half-signs" because once I have them, I still feel lost. I still didn't know whether or not to take the meds. So, this afternoon I took the first pill. No turning back now.

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