Thursday, April 12, 2007

In the Beginning


I'm feeling sad and even envious. Neither of which I feel very often. I'm not looking for pity, so please don't pity me. I'm only looking for a vent to air my frustration. I've been keeping so much emotion in and it's starting to take a toll. I love my friends and family so much and I intensely keep up to date on everyone's lives and the lives of their families. By doing this, I can't help but feel left behind somehow.

Chris and I are staring into the face of infertility and it sucks. We aren't completely sure of the problems yet, but we are certain there are problems and well, that's enough. We've been dreaming of a family for nearly seven years and always thought that it would be a piece of cake. After all, that is what people do...isn't it? Grow up, get married, have kids, and live mostly happily ever after. I wish it was that simple. Every step for us has been painstakingly hard...not just having kids, but the whole road has been made up of pot holes. It seems that since his wreck, we've been stuck behind a long line of people just patiently waiting to have our turn in Normalville...and when we get to the ticket window, it's closed. The hardest part is that we have to watch everyone else walk away with their tickets while we stand on the sidelines cheering for them and rejoicing in their happiness. After so long a wait, how can someone not get impatient...wanting to scream at the top of their lungs, "THIS ISN'T FAIR!! WHEN IS IT OUR TURN!?!?!" Will it come? Has it passed us by? And the worst of all is, "Why us?" There's not an answer and that sucks too. Then comes the guilt...feeling guilty for hurting, for being envious, for not being able to make our dreams come true.

No one knows what to say and when they try, it just stings worse...rubbing salt in the wounds so to speak. We've heard it all..."Just keep trying," "Give it time," "It'll happen when you least expect it," and my personal favorite, "It'll happen when you're ready." When we're ready??? HAHAHA! Hello! I think we're ready! I have no one to talk to who I feel can relate. Everyone I know can just pop out kids left and right, barely blinking. We feel alone in this. I don't know anyone else in their 20's who can relate to this...and if I do, they aren't talking about it.

To top it off, we then get to become lab rats at the Dr's office while they poke and prod and give false hope. "Here, take these and be pregnant within three months." Whatever. But you take them anyway...along with an array of vitamins and other supplements that don't seem to be doing anything but making me moody.

Alas, we continue to torture ourselves with the unanswerable questions like..."Why us?" You take things for granted when it comes easy to you...most women just assume it a birthright to bear children and it's just something Mother Nature will take care of "when we're ready." Horse Shit! If that's the case then Mother Nature is dealing a dirty deck and Father Time has developed Alzheimer's. And God, where does He come in? Well, I've seen Him perform Miracles in front of my eyes and that's why I haven't lost Faith that He's still there and still hearing us. Faith is the string by which we are hanging, be it only a thread. For that matter, we'll "keep trying."

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