The Hypothetical Happy New Year

1/17/08

It's nearly a month into the new year and I can't help but wonder if it will truly be a happy new year. I can still remember this time last year and how hopeful we were that we would surely be parents by the end of the year if not at least expecting. We're not so sure any longer. Things will be changing this year, though I'm not sure if it will be for the best.

I'm no longer able to take my ovulation medication, of which I've been relying on now for a year. I will also be using the last of my progesterone this cycle which keeps my luteal phase defect in check. I can't go to the Dr. any longer as I know she wants us to do IVF, but that just isn't an option. After all, how many people really have $12,000 just lying around? She said she won't prescribe anymore medication unless I go in to see her for another consultation. Yea, how many of those do I really need? As if we didn't already know the problem. Furthermore, what is the point when she won't even listen to my concerns and test me for what I intensely believe I have: Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS)? I know I have it and I know the medication I need for it. She's just prolonging our infertility. To some, I realize that this may seem egotistical but when you've been suffering from one "unexplained" ailment for over two years, you learn a thing or two. Why would I otherwise have every single symptom of PCOS and not actually have it? It just isn't logical. It's not like there are two or three symptoms that could have several explanations. We're talking about 10-15 symptoms that all relate to one single condition. Doesn't take a rocket scientist to narrow that down!

No matter. A little friendly angel I know sent me my miracle drug...or at least I think it will be. Metformin is given to women with PCOS to help balance out hormone levels, help with weight loss, and prevention of dreaded miscarriages. I'm currently on 1000mg of Metformin and have to work my way up to 2000mg within the next month. I'm praying with all I have that this is the missing link but I'll now always wonder what if this along with the Femara and the Progesterone were all the missing links together. What if? The good news is that with this, my first cycle off Femara, I did manage to ovulate...today as a matter of fact! Let's just hope I can keep it up.

Chris and I are both changing our eating lifestyle as he's been diagnosed with very high cholesterol along with fatty liver disease. That's not a good thing at any age, but at 25 it's even worse. So, I've jumped on the band wagon also...can't hurt. Besides, I've gained so much weight from being on hormones out the wazoo for over a year that it'll be good for me to be off the meds a while and drop some poundage. I'm ready for it. It's been about a month thus far and we've each managed to lose about 10lbs which isn't bad for starters.

I turned the big 2-5 a few weeks ago on the 6th. It's the first B-Day I've never looked forward to. Me being me, I've over analyzed why and have come to the conclusion that it's because it's the first time in my life that I've reached a mental-life milestone and haven't yet acheived all the goals I set out to achieve by this particular point in my life. Disappointing, no? In any event, I tried to ignore the fact that it even happened but family and such insisted that we celebrate in some fashion. So there was a cookout in which Chris and I hosted at our house...a week after my actual birthday. On my bday, we remodeled our master bathroom...which is really what I wanted to do in the first place.

I got a new lap top a few days ago which I'm thrilled to say has WiFi and I can now (somehow) get on the net at home without even paying for it!! How cool is that! I was frustrated because the office in which I work has blocked all non-work related sites and therefore, I could no longer blog...how rude!

Punkin' Pouncer is doing well and has finally found his little voice...though I'm not sure if that is a good thing. He's been going everywhere with me...even to work. He wears a little shirt that says "local celebrity." And he is. Our little boy. He's still very sweet but is teething up a storm! Of course he wants nothing to do with the toys given to him but instead would rather chew on my shoes? I heart him!

Everyone still seems to think that if we just forget about the fertility thing that we'll just somehow magically end up pregnant...oh yea, like we hadn't already thought about that...and tried it! I belived that's called the first year of trying...when you don't even think there is a problem. Duh. Others seem to think that there is this miracle juice that if we drink it we'll be pregnant in 'no time.' What does that mean: no time? And if such a juice exists, don't you think that I would have already tried it? Why do people do this? I've come to the conclusion that they just really don't want to believe there's an actual physical problem and that there has to be this quick fix. Ah...we used to be that nieve as well. I miss those days...now those pretenses just annoy me. Sometimes it seems like I want to be pregnant just to get away from all the sage infertiliy advice from people who don't have a clue what it's like to walk a mile in our shoes. Then I realize that once I'm pregnant, I'll then get advice (that I really don't want to hear) from those that have been pregnant before me...like they are the ultimate guide to pregnancy. Then you have the baby and everyone with toddlers think they are the know-it-all's to infant care and their famed saying of, "Oh, you just wait til that baby starts crawling!" As if I were some alien lifeform who'd never been around kids before. As if I haven't already raised more kids than they can count to. The damn advice will never end, will it?

On a happy note, one of my "online" friends has become pregnant and is about 6wks along now! Chris and I are so excited for her and can't wait to join her and her husband! Kim, one day our magical fairytale will come true and we'll both meet up in that mystical land of FL. *wink, wink*

Here's to a (hypothetically) happy New Year to all and to all a good night!

Adoption

12/31/07

The last day of 2007 has arrived. My goal of becoming a mother has been acheived at the last moment...well, sort of. We adopted a new 7 wk old Pomeranian Puppy over the weekend. He is adorable!! I'm so content at the moment and I just can't explain it. His name is Punkin' Pouncer and is so sweet and gentle. My baby. :)

How Many Licks Does it Take?

12/10/07

It's going to be another sorrowful Christmas for us. We've reached our two-year mark now in the Trying to Conceive department. My chart looked great this past cycle...perfect even. What happened? I was very sick though during the week of ovulation. Maybe that had something to do with it...and now Chris is getting sick. I really hate this...hate actually isn't a strong enough word for how I feel about infertility.

I reached a new pathetic low this past weekend, after finding that I was indeed not pregnant. We met up with Chris's parents to go Christmas shopping. They needed to venture into Toys R Us for the grandkids. I went in while Chris parked the car. Right in the door they had these very cute Dora and Diego ornaments...I always get our niece and nephews an ornament for Christmas. Then I ran across the cutest ornament ever with a little mouse sitting on a pacifier. The inscription on the paci read, "2007 Parents to be." This enormous lump took over my throat and it suddenly became very difficult to breathe. I turned the corner to escape but alas it seemed to be a trap! That corner lead me directly into the infant clothing section with some of the cutest Winnie the Pooh Christmas outfits. The lump grew larger. I turned another corner to evade the clothes and then I was smacked in the face with tons of gear for new parents...cribs, high chairs, diaper bags, etc. The walls began closing in on me as I spun in circles seeking a hole to hide in. No matter, as everywhere I turned there were happy families holding new babies and had toddlers jumping up and down in utter anticipation of Santa's upcoming appearance. Chris found me at that moment and immmediately asked what was wrong when I asked for the keys to the car. He could see the tears welling and really didn't have to ask the matter...he knew. The point was mute and he handed over the keys, paid for the ornaments, and met me in the car. I hadn't even made it out of the store before losing it.

We sat in the car for an hour crying and talking and crying some more! It kills me to see him cry and vis versa. We both feel the same way about our unfortunate position and are both more concerned about the other than for ourselves. I'm just so completely lost about what to do. We just don't have the money for IVF. Chris offered to sell his truck for the $10K it's worth...then I cried again. I don't want him having to sell his truck. We shouldn't have to sell anything. I seem to recall pregnancy being a normal thing...something that just happened when you wanted it...and sometimes even when you didn't want it too. It's Christmas time and we're supposed to be happy. We are happy but we are ever so sad at the same instant...how confusing is that! My mind continues to bring up the fact that I'm supposed to be five months along right now. I keep waiting for our second chance. Will it come?

We're stuck between a rock and a hard place. I've been on Femara and Progesterone together now for 3 cycles. I don't know if my Dr. will continue to prescribe this combo. It does work...I just need more time. However, she might press me to come in for another consult but I already know how that conversation works. She'll suggest IVF and I'll ask her to donate her $12K to do it. Conversation over. And she expects me to pay a $60 co-pay for that...or maybe even more now because I haven't seen her since our new insurance took effect and infertility is still not covered but now neither is testing as it's considered a "pre-existing" condition. Gotta love those insurance companies.

Life can be very cruel. I've failed to mention that my best friend of ten years is now 17 weeks pregnant. I love her and wish her the best but it's made me feel even lower than I did before. Her pregnancy has untentionally snubbed in my face the certainty of our predicament. She's never wanted kids as long as I've known her. She wasn't trying. She wasn't ready and fully admits that she's still not ready. So, then why did the universe get those lines crossed? How many licks does it take...the world may never know.

Long Time No Type

11/30/07

It's been nearly two months since my last post. And no, I'm not pregnant...yet! I've just been really busy. With Thanksgiving and Christmas preparations life has been hectic. We did our annual Thanksgiving week in Pigeon Forge, TN last week. It was wonderful until I fell ill! I haven't been sick in nearly two years and when does it decide to strike?? On my vacation! Grrrr! I was diagnosed a few days ago with Acute Bronchitis and Astmha. I'm being treated for both. Apparently I was misdiagnosed as a teenager with only sports related astmha. And this whole time I thought my shortness of breath from time to time was just from being out of shape! HA!

Now, on top of fertiliy drugs, I'm on two inhalers, super strenth cough medicine, and augmentin. I ovulated last week, the day after Turkey Day! I was so sick but put on the happy face for all the baby dancing ahead. Got 'er Done! I have no clue though how my body could have possibly produced any good eggs for this cycle?? I was just so miserable, but Chris was so attentive and loving. He took care of me the whole trip! I feel so bad that I ruined both our vacations. Luckily, we're going back to the mountains again for a few days the week before Christmas though so hopefully I can make up for it then.

This cycle I was on my third round of Femara (similar to Clomid) and my fifth round of Progesterone. We've added a new item into the mix for the past two months...Instead Cups. Their use is intended for AF but others have discovered that they come in handy for baby making by "cupping" the swimmers up close to the cervix to prevent "leakage." They are quite cheap at Wal-Mart, disposable, and easy to use. Many of my 'vet ttc sisters' have been incredibly fortunate enough to become pregnant using them after only a few short months trying it and this is preceeding up to years of trying to concieve beforehand. There has to be something said for that! Here's hoping they work for us too!

Four + Four =

10/2/07

Today marks eight years for Chris and I. Eight years ago today, two love-struck teenagers embarked on a relationship that would forever change them both. Little did they know the struggles they would encounter in the years to come nor did they realize there would be years to come. For these two lived in the moment and the world revolved around them. Those were the days! Don't get me wrong though, I wouldn't trade now for then anyday!

So, since this little milestone falls on a weekday this year I'm surprising Chris this weekend with a trip to Atlanta. I've booked a very nice hotel and have gotten tickets to Medieval Times at Discover Mills! I'm so excited! I love these getaways when it's just the two of us. It's like a part of us reverts back to the days of teenage selfishness. It's a great feeling. We forget bills and worries and families. We can concentrate on us and us alone. God knows every couple facing infertility has to do that for themselves or risk their marriage suffering from their reproductive short-comings. I know better. That is one thing that I'm so thankful for. Our marriage *or sex life* hasn't suffered. Though, we've had to work at it and continually keep in check our emotions and stress levels to ensure we aren't taking the brunt of our frustrations out on eachother.

These getaways bring the spontanaity back into our lives and we do it for the other. Chris has planned two weekend trips this year, trips that he surprised me with. One to Gatlinburg, TN and the other to Helen, GA. Both great and exciting and romantic! We love coming up with surprises for eachother. Chris knows I have something planned for this weekend but he doesn't know what it is. He's so anxious...it's really cute! A few weekends ago, I surprised him with a night out in Athens to see the Broadway version of Beauty and the Beast, which was awesome!

On fertile ground, I'm currently 2 days past ovulation. My basal body temps are looking good and we're hoping for the best. Again, it's been so nice this month to not be pressured with Dr's and needles and excessive meds. I am on meds but not as many. For the first time in a while, I'm looking forward to the outcome of this cycle. We both are. We both have a lot of hope. Though, in the back of my mind I know what that hope leads to if in the end Aunt Flo shows up. Heartache, tears, and tampons! I'll keep the hope anyhow.

I Need Sleep!

9/27/07

I'm officially in the two week wait for this cycle. The longest part of each cycle is the last two weeks. It seems to last an eternity. The Femara worked and so now I know I can ovulate with it as well. Though, the side effects were worse with it compared to Clomid. On top of Hot Flashes and Fatigue and weight gain, it made me not be able to sleep! Aaaarrrgghhh!! That's torture! On one hand it makes you sleepy but no matter how sleepy you are, your body and mind won't shut down for you to sleep. So, I did what anyone else would have done...pulled out the Tylenol PM!! That did the trick!

A part of me wishes that I'd had my regular ultra sounds this month just to see the size of the follicles produced by aid of the Femara. I don't suppose it really matters as long as I actually ovulated. It was nice not being a pin cushion for a change and to no have to worry about timing IUIs and hCG shots. Plus, it saved us much cash. Nice additive if ya ask me!

I started my miracle hormone today...Prometrium (Progesterone). This is the medicine that I sincerely believe helped me to get the positive HPT in August. Hoping it'll happen again. Still hoping. However, instead of just praying to get pregnant, now I add in to stay pregnant.

I've added a few music videos to the bottom of the page. Check them out if ya like. "I would die for that" and "Anyway." Great songs and "I would die for that" really cuts deep inside. Gets out there what I feel.

New Drugs!

9/14/07

As you've probably already guessed, I'm again not pregnant this month. I didn't have much hope anyway as I already knew my E2 levels were very low. My latest cycle began on 9/11, of all dates...go figure!

We decided to try on our own, for the most part, a while. The Dr. agreed to keep me on meds, but a new one. She doesn't want me on Clomid anymore for a while as she seems to think it's depleting my lining and E2 levels. Yesterday, I began a medication called Femara. Very similar to Clomid but without the harsh side effects. I'm not sure how my body will react to it, though as I will not be monitored with ultra sounds while on it.

I will use Ovulation Predictor Kits and then timed intercourse...much better than IUIs and all the needles!!! I just hope it is successful! I will also be on Prometrium (Progesterone) after ovulation to sustain a pregnancy if one happens to occur! Wish us luck on this new road. It seems a little too easy for it actually to work. I have to keep reminding myself that it's normally supposed to be even easier than this. Hopefully, this is all it takes.

If nothing else it will be a nice little break. It satisfies my need of not giving up and gives my body a mild rest at the same time. No more needles, no more IUIs, no more ultra sounds, no more Dr's, nurses, or medical students with their prying eyes! Maybe I can gain an ounce of my dignity back! Whoo hoo!!