The Outsider

2/6/08

As you can obviously gather, this week hasn't exactly gone that well. What with the fire and all...stressful, no? In any event...on to my point: Aunt Flo arrived tonight. Just a little while ago. I knew she was coming because my temperature dropped this morning. I knew she was knocking at my door. So, I come out of the bathroom and my cell phone is ringing. It was my sister in law, Jessy. "Nicole, I have some news to tell you." My heart immediately sank, because I'm not an idiot and figured out why she was calling even before she finished that sentence. I love Jessy and I love our (already) two nephews very much but, nevertheless, my heart still sank. How cruel can the universe be? Here I sit with an empty nursery we built in faith that "it" would happen soon. And she has two sons, a full house, and we were just discussing last month when she thought she was pregnant how much right now was not a good time for them to have more children and that they needed to start taking natural preventitive precautions. Now a month later, she is pregnant with her third and our empty nursery shall remain just that...empty. It's not her fault she's a fertile myrtle (though we all agree precautions would have been wise). I'm happy for them but very, very, tragically sad for us. I just don't understand why and what we are being punished for because that is what this is...punishment...for something? And I later opened an email from Chris's 26 week pregnant cousin (with her 3rd also) "updating" all that "It's a GIRL!" Typically a person should be happy in such an instant, but how typical are we? Yet again, it was just another slap in the face...two in a row. I'm just waiting for another one as 'they' say it comes in threes.

So, today is cycle day one for me and this past cycle sucked! Apparently my body sucks, period. I don't do well without Femara or Clomid. I thought that I'd ovulated on CD 13 but I was wrong and didn't ovulate until CD 22!! Fortunately for me, I have such wonderful "online" friends that are able to send me their unwanted medications. So, I have two months worth of Femara and I'm still on the Metformin (2000mg now). I can tell the Met is working b/c I feel that my testosterone has dropped. Not so sure if I like that though b/c that's also made my sex drive decrease. Gotta do what I gotta do though. Unfortunately I don't have the luxury of natural pregnancy...if pregnancy at all. Even when I do become preggers again, my pregnancy innocense is gone. When one becomes pregnant, normally that pregnancy carries through without any worries but for us we'll never have that peace of mind. I'll always worry that in any second the baby will be gone, will die...again. Most women are fortunate enough to be nieve of that realistic possibility.

My best friend (the one who has never wanted to have kids) recently found out she is having a boy. His name will be Gavin Lee. I like that name. Chris and I decided we liked another name for a girl more than Nasyah. We've chosen Nyahley Helynn. I love that name. I love it just as much as our Boy's name: Cayden Joseph. I can't wait to be able to say those names outloud and not have others look at me like an outsider. The only place I fit in anymore is with my husband and online with my "people," the ones who are in the same boat as me. I don't have a place in the "real" world anymore. Any where I turn in my actual life, there is nothing but proof that I don't belong. I'm just not in the "mommy club," and everyone I know in real life now belongs to that club. Everyone I know has left me and we now seem to have nothing in common. After all, what does one do when others start talking about not getting any sleep because their newborn keeps them up all night? What should I say when the conversation turns to being all about the grandkids and how their saying new words and learning to walk but aren't quite there yet? When should I chime in as my friends bring up how they can't stand morning sickness and Dr's appointments and being as big as a cow? How is it appropriate to tell them that I'd be more than happy to trade shoes. I'd die to have morning sickness and OB/GYN appointments and to be up all night being able to hear my newborn's cries. Their troubles just don't seem to equate to the measure of what we've been dealt...and they have absolutely no clue how to relate to us either. So, one side must fake it. That'd be me. I have to fake my way through those conversations just to hang on to what I left of my real life relationships. I have to pretend to understand their woes and be sympathetic to their exhaustion and thrilled that their toddler is finally walking. Afterall, that's how a normal person would react. I have to pretend to be normal.