Back from Sebbatical

8/1/08

It's been quite a while since my last entry. I guess I needed a break from my computer world altogether. I broke away from the Forums also. I'll go ahead and relieve your suspense...no, I'm not Pregnant. It's actually been a year ago to this month since I was pregnant my one and only time (that I know of). We've not been actively trying to concieve now for about four months. Much has happened since I last wrote and here are the events in chronilogical order.

1. We decided to adopt a domestic infant.
2. Chris got his tattoo that I designed.
3. My little sister graduated High School.

4. We decided NOT to adopt right now.

5. Chris turned 26 years old.

6. I bought Chris a '96 Harley Davidson Springer Softail.

7. My best friend, Nina, gave birth to her son, Gavin Lee.

8. Another one of my bridesmaids became pregnant.

9. We are going to Myrtle Beach, SC in one week to meet Kim and David.

After all the stress we've been through and the longing for a child continuing to grow everyday...we brought up the topic of adoption. We both agreed (after long, weeks of discussion) that it would be a good idea to start that process as a means of making our family. We did all the research and told our parents (who told everyone else). I found a legal agency in CA called Adoption Network Law Center which we liked the best. I filled out the paperwork and we went through the phone interview to be approved to begin the process. We were approved and I had solid hope and confirmation that in the end of the this process, we'd be a family. The next feat would be to come up with the funds of $28,000. Chris's mom and dad offered to help us once they got their settlement from the house fire and they would get us started with the initiation fee of $11,000 and we would come up with the rest bit by bit.

Chris got his tattoo in the hopes he'd soon be able to add our child's name to it. It's really cool to see my artwork permanently on someone. The Tattoo artist is a guy named Mike who works at Exotic Ink in Conyers, GA. Awesome work at a great price! Chris will be going back soon to get a few more tats from Mike...and I might get one too!

My little sister, who is now 19, graduated high school. That is a funny thing seeing as how it seems just yesterday I was graduating school and she was only 12. Time flies whether you're having fun or not. In any event, I'm proud of her no matter how much I hated that damn private school she went to. She'll be (hopefully) starting college in the Fall at GA Military College or GMC.

Chris's mom and dad backed out of helping us with the finances for the adoption because they didn't get as much money as they hoped and his mom had never had a new car before so his dad bought her a Hummer H2 instead. So, there we were with no help (which I didn't expect in the first place), hints from his family (to him) that we really ought to consider switching Dr's, and then Chris caved. The $28,000 was getting to him and he didn't want to put us that far in debt when we've already spent so much on infertilty treatment. His family's comments were also getting to him and he took it to mean that they really didn't want us to adopt and wanted us (me) to continue medical treatment with a Dr of their choosing. He also kept saying that if someone could just tell him that it would NEVER happen for us biologically then he would be willing to go the adoption route. I told him to let me know when God appeared to him and gave that clear answer.

Needless to say, he didn't want to adopt and I didn't want to continue treatment. My body is tired, my soul is tired, and our marriage was suffering. I told him that I was done trying and he had to except that. I'd not (and have not) be preventing pregnancy but I wasn't gonig to be trying my best to obtain it. So, about four months ago, we stopped everything but sex. No Dr's, no meds, no charting, no temping, no TTC Forums, no blogging, etc. We began enjoying our lives again and healing physically and spiritually. Everyone of course still has their own opinions. They seem to know the right Dr or the right meds or the right prayer. Whatever. "I'm done" doesn't seem to register with them. Not my problem. The same things that hurt me before still hurt but I'm slowly healing and Chris is too. I don't cry everytime now when aunt flo arrives, and I don't shutter as much at pregnant women.

Chris turned 26 in June...officially closer to 30 than to 20 he says. I adopted a Harley for his birthday and it's now our baby. Chris has wanted a Harley since before we met. We'd always had this "deal" that if we didn't have kids by the time he was 30, that he could have a HD. I just assumed that we'd have kids with no problem. HAHA...fate...bastard! Anyway, two of his brothers have gotten Honda Shadows recently and his dad got a Honda Goldwing for his B-Day in May. They all left to go riding on his dad's birthday and I saw in Chris's eyes the feeling of being even more left behind. It killed me inside. He's already had to overcome so much after his wreck...we both have. It was one of the hardest decisions for me to make becuase on one hand, I knew that is what he wanted and it would lift his self esteem up so much to know I had that much faith in him. On the other hand, I've already lived (barely) through seeing him almost die from the wreck back in high school. He's already missing part of his skull and one good knock to the head...well...I was terrified of seeing him take off on a motorcycle. In the end I had to realize that I couldn't punish him for my insecurities. I bought the Harley off eBay and my Dad drove it to City Slickers (our special restaurant where our first date was). His birthday dinner was there and I sent him on a "treasure hunt" for the bike. When he first saw it, he thought it was a joke and that we'd rented it for a day! He lost his mind and I hadn't seen him smile like that since our wedding day/honeymoon! There were, of course, conditions to this bike. He had to practice on Steven's Honda for a while but had to get his learner's license before he could do that. He had to pass the four-day extensive Harley Davidson Safety Course and he'd have to have a lot of experience before he could get on the expressway or have me on the back with him. He agreed. It took three tries, but he finally passed the learner's exam but would have to wait two months to take the safety course as they had a waiting list. In the meantime, he practiced on his brother's Shadow and did quite well. He passed the Harley Course this week, at the top of his class I might add. He's officially licensed and rode his Harley for the first time yesterday. My dad and I followed behind on my dad's harley. Chris did great! His self esteem has gone up about 10 notches!!!

I faced my ultimate fear on June 6th (my dad's B-day of course) when my best friend, Nina, gave birth to her healthy baby boy, Gavin Lee. I went to the hospital the day of (a best friend's duty). She had to have a C-Section but was okay and so was Gavin. I would have been okay if her dad hadn't of opened his damn mouth while I was holding Gavin. He said, "Ya know, Nicole, you and Chris are just trying too hard." A familiar lump began to swell in my throat. Did he not realize this was the hardest thing I'd have to come to terms with...that Nina's pregnancy was the hardest of any for me to cope with? No, he didn't. I kept quiet and left shortly thereafter. I got through it and was proud of myself for being able to do so.

My Mom's Birthday was July 26th...she turned 50. Her best friend's, Diane's, birthday is the day after my mom's. They celebrated together by going on a gambling trip. Diane's daughter, Felicia, was one of my bridesmaids. Diane's birthday present from Felicia was that she is pregnant with the first grandchild. My birthday present to my mom was a card, flowers, and sugar-free candy. She gives her mom a legacy and I give mine paper. Hmmm. Anyway, Felicia never wanted kids...like Nina never wanted kids. As a matter of fact, Felicia had just gone to the Dr the week before to have her tubes tied and the Dr told her she was too young and she may change her mind so he put in an IUD but it didn't work because she apparently got knocked up the week after that appointment. So I started to think about it. I had five bridesmaids. Four of them never wanted kids. The fifth was my little sister and God willing, she won't have kids until she's married. One of my bridesmaids had a child but he wasn't intentional at the time as she never wanted kids. Nina never wanted kids and now has Gavin. Felicia never wanted kids and is now pregnant. Jenny is the only other one who didn't have kids and didn't want any. I haven't talked to her in two years. She probably has twins if you are following my logic here. I must have transported all my fertility to my bridesmaids??? What the hell?!?!

On the up side of things, Chris and I are going to Myrtle Beach, SC in a week to meet Kim and David. I met Kim on the APA Forum about two years ago and we've become great friends though we've never met in person. We talk via email, letters, postcards, and on the phone. I'm so excited that I can barely contain myself. This will be the first time in about three years that I'll get to meet someone going through what Chris and I have been going through. She lives in Maryland and will be in SC on vacation with David's family. We'll be spending about four days with them and also introducing them to the Dixie Stampede which is my favorite dinner show!! That will probably be the next thing I'll write about! I can't wait!!!!

This has been my update and hope I've not bored you to tears. I miss writing more than anything so I think I'll try and get back into it again.

Happy Anniversary

3/25/08


Today is mine and Chris's 2 year wedding anniversary. This cycle is the first time in over 2 years that we haven't tried to get pregnant. We didn't try to avoid it, we just didn't plan our life around it. I haven't really temped at all and that's really weird as that's been my morning routine for over a year now. I'm currently 9 days past ovulation...I think. I took a pregnancy test just for the hell of it and it being our anniversary and all...negative...but I had you going there for a second didn't I?

Not trying this month was actually an accident. I got very sick two weeks ago with the Flu! I thought I was going to die. My temp kept trying to hover around 103.5 and at one point the Tylenol stopped working and Chris had to cover me in ice packs...ironically, I felt like a piece of meat. Anyhow, I had already taken the LAST dose of Femara I have so I really had every intention of giving it our all again this month. I was sick for a week and didn't get out of bed the whole time...normally, that wouldn't be a bad thing, but under these circumstances it sucked! I could barely move that week much less keep track of what my temp was doing every morning at 7:30 AM. Needless to say, I really have no idea when I ovulated but I just assume it was around cycle day 13 or 14 like it normally is when I take Femara. Being so sick, I didn't really have any hope producing any viable eggs this cycle so we just really haven't tried at all and it's been somewhat of a relief, but then again somewhat of a guilt trip. I feel guilty for not giving it our all this month even though I was terribly sick. So, this is what a break does to me...stresses me out! Yet I have others telling me that trying stresses me out. WRONG! I've just learned that it's the opposite affect. Not doing the work was nice for a change, but not trying freaks me out.

Chris and I had a very nice anniversary. I took him on a surprise weekend trip to Graceland two weeks ago (the weekend b/f I got sick) and it was incredible! It was his first plane ride and he was a nervous wreck once he figured out we were getting on a plane...but loved it! We stayed in Tunica, MS at the Horseshoe Casino and actually ended up walking out with $150 more than we had going in. A limo took us to Graceland and Elvis's mansion is beautifully stuck in the 70's. We saw all the Elvis Museums and the "Lisa Marie" Private Plane. Seeing the gravesites was surreal and sad. Chris surprised me yesterday with a dozen red roses (my favorite flower) and a sweet card. Today we went out to dinner with his parents which was very nice. I gave him a card and surprised him with $500 to get his first tattoo that I actually designed. It was a great night...just wish that pregnancy test had been postive! What an incredible anniversary gift that would have been.

That's all for now, I suppose. Hope everyone had a nice Easter!

You Don't Know...

2/25/08

I just need to vent tonight. I need to get this off my chest so that I can sleep the remainder of the week and so I may also use this as a building block to a conversation I really need to have just once...but only once.

A statement was made a few nights ago that we have avoided the family due to our circumstance and that we shouldn't becuase we miss out on so much. I wanted to discuss this the night of but it wasn't the time nor the place. It has, however, been on my mind ever since. We are guilty as charged for aversion. No argument needed there, but a need for explanation and understanding is in order. I don't quite agree that we're missing out and you'll understand why by the end of this blurb.

I have questions, many of them...most are rhetorical:

What would you have us do? Would you like me to force my husband and myself through EVERY birthday party for toddlers and have me struggle during EVERY baby shower that comes up...and do it alone? Why should we torture ourselelves that way? Why should we have to endure that only to see the other break down in tears when we're finally alone. Why should we have to suffer through all the, "You're next!" lies...because truth be told, we are never "next!" Grant you, we avoided as many events as possible the first year due to the newness of this situation in our life. Everything seemed magnafied. It's not like this is a pain that we'll "just get over." This is a pain that will remain with us long after we're parents. We'll never know what it feels like to have a "normal" conception and a "normal" pregnancy. That elation that most couples get when they see that positive result on their pregnancy test is something that we'll never know. Not because I don't believe it won't ever be positive for us again but because we'll worry the entire ten months that that positive will die at any moment. Chris is already terrified of me being pregnant again. That innocense has been stripped from us and it's not fair.

You don't have to hurt the way we do. You don't have to watch your husband play with another woman's children knowing that he wants them to be his own and there's nothing you can do about it. You don't have to look into his eyes every month and tell him it's negative. You don't watch him stare at kids in restaurants and know what he's thinking. You don't blame yourself everyday for not being able to make him "World's Best Dad." You don't feel the guilt I feel for losing the only miracle we've had a chance at in two years. You don't have to walk by an empty nursery, that was created in faith, and feel as empty as it is and wonder if you should have been so bold to put forth so much effort into it in the first place. You don't have to wonder why God doesn't make you a Mother but instead makes it so everyone around you is pregnant at the same time and that it never fails that they tell you the "good" news the day you start your period. You don't know what it's like for someone to tell you, "Just relax and it'll happen..." as if you did't already blame yourselves enough. You haven't had to spend your entire savings of $8,000.00 on treatments for it to only end in a miscarriage. You haven't had to struggle through injecting yourself with hormones, humiliating Dr's appointments, and ten pills twice a day to make it so that your body is functioning properly. You don't know what it's like to have no one who understands to talk to except for the blessed group of "online friends" who seem to be closer to you now than your own family but you've never even met in person. You don't have a Father's Day Card hidden away in your desk becuase you just knew that you were going to get to give it to your husband this year only for the universe to smack you straight in the face the day of. You don't know what it's like to have nothing to say when conversations enevitably turn to talk of babies and grandkids. You'll never understand that this paragraph is only a minute explanation of what we feel on a day to day basis. You don't know what it's like to be scared to say any of this to anyone's face for fear of pity staring back at you.

We don't want pity, we want understanding and support. I realize that's a lot to ask when you are not and never will be in our shoes. All we need is a listening ear from time to time and support not in the form of "You're next" and "I know it will happen." We have never been "next" and you don't know that it will happen because you aren't God. Only He knows if it will happen and He's not divulging that information to anyone. We have faith, be it as small as a mustard seed, but it's still there. We do have days when there doesn't seem to be any strength left and we feel like giving up. It's those days when all we need is a listening ear and maybe a shoulder to cry on. We're usually better in a few days. We don't want to be left out of the loop nor for people to walk around on eggshells when we're in the room. If someone in our circle is pregnant, they should tell us. We realize that it's going to sting us like Hell but we'd rather know straight off than to find out through the grapevine. If there is a gathering, we want an invitation but the decision to come or not is ours and we reserve that right. We expect to not be made to feel guilty for not coming. You are welcome to ask us questions as long as they come with the understanding that this position we're in is a personal one and we may not give the enitre story and we usually try to leave the most painful parts out. We also need understanding that we are doing the best we can with the knowledge and finances we have. We are doing everything in our power and that should be good enough. Don't offer sage advice unless we ask for it because that usually just makes us resent ourselves for talking about this in the first place. We realize that the advice comes from a good place but nevertheless, it does hurt us in ways that you can't begin to comprehend. Don't pretend to know how we feel...just be there and make time for us without interruption if we express the need. Just a hug would do most days.

We're not missing out on family and we're not avoiding everyone when we intentionally don't show up for some occassions, we're simply maintaining our sanity. If that's what we have to do to keep a minor piece of normalcy intact in our lives and in our marriage, then that is what we are going to do regardless of what anyone else thinks we should be doing. Everyone seems to have their own opinion about what we should be feeling and what we should be doing when it's never occurred to them to just ask us what we think. I've never once had anyone ask me, "How do you feel about this and is there anything I can do to help you?" Not once. And that is sad. We've never asked for anything until now and all we're asking for is to be heard and understood. So what if we need days where there aren't babies surrounding us. So what if we need "us" time. No one has ever stopped to think why we don't want to come to certain gatherings. No one has ever taken into consideration that we've not missed one single Mother's Day and Father's Day lunch. Even when those days fell on days when I'd just started my period the day of...both times...for two years in a row. Yes, the universe is cruel. We've not missed a single milestone with regards to our neice and nephews. Not missed a single Halloween...when we don't even have kids to dress up and we are left to feel completely out of place even being there.

Again, and I can't say it enough, we are doing the BEST we know how to do and that should be enough even if it's not perfect. Don't expect more from us than we are able to offer. Don't walk on eggshells but everyone should think before they speak. We feel guilty enough left to our own devices without the added pressures from others. We have different feelings on different days and for now, that has to be okay and accepted. At times we are confused and disoriented and have been this way for longer than we'd like to admit. Other days we are very optimistic and hopeful. We can only wish this were a bad dream we could awake from but alas it is reality. Please understand where we are coming from and try not to resent us for feeling all these emotions that we never asked to have. It's not an attack on anyone, just things that have needed to be said for a long time. We've been through enough really without having to endure this on top of it all. But, as always, we're managing and we're praying that God will see us through this as soon as He can.

The Outsider

2/6/08

As you can obviously gather, this week hasn't exactly gone that well. What with the fire and all...stressful, no? In any event...on to my point: Aunt Flo arrived tonight. Just a little while ago. I knew she was coming because my temperature dropped this morning. I knew she was knocking at my door. So, I come out of the bathroom and my cell phone is ringing. It was my sister in law, Jessy. "Nicole, I have some news to tell you." My heart immediately sank, because I'm not an idiot and figured out why she was calling even before she finished that sentence. I love Jessy and I love our (already) two nephews very much but, nevertheless, my heart still sank. How cruel can the universe be? Here I sit with an empty nursery we built in faith that "it" would happen soon. And she has two sons, a full house, and we were just discussing last month when she thought she was pregnant how much right now was not a good time for them to have more children and that they needed to start taking natural preventitive precautions. Now a month later, she is pregnant with her third and our empty nursery shall remain just that...empty. It's not her fault she's a fertile myrtle (though we all agree precautions would have been wise). I'm happy for them but very, very, tragically sad for us. I just don't understand why and what we are being punished for because that is what this is...punishment...for something? And I later opened an email from Chris's 26 week pregnant cousin (with her 3rd also) "updating" all that "It's a GIRL!" Typically a person should be happy in such an instant, but how typical are we? Yet again, it was just another slap in the face...two in a row. I'm just waiting for another one as 'they' say it comes in threes.

So, today is cycle day one for me and this past cycle sucked! Apparently my body sucks, period. I don't do well without Femara or Clomid. I thought that I'd ovulated on CD 13 but I was wrong and didn't ovulate until CD 22!! Fortunately for me, I have such wonderful "online" friends that are able to send me their unwanted medications. So, I have two months worth of Femara and I'm still on the Metformin (2000mg now). I can tell the Met is working b/c I feel that my testosterone has dropped. Not so sure if I like that though b/c that's also made my sex drive decrease. Gotta do what I gotta do though. Unfortunately I don't have the luxury of natural pregnancy...if pregnancy at all. Even when I do become preggers again, my pregnancy innocense is gone. When one becomes pregnant, normally that pregnancy carries through without any worries but for us we'll never have that peace of mind. I'll always worry that in any second the baby will be gone, will die...again. Most women are fortunate enough to be nieve of that realistic possibility.

My best friend (the one who has never wanted to have kids) recently found out she is having a boy. His name will be Gavin Lee. I like that name. Chris and I decided we liked another name for a girl more than Nasyah. We've chosen Nyahley Helynn. I love that name. I love it just as much as our Boy's name: Cayden Joseph. I can't wait to be able to say those names outloud and not have others look at me like an outsider. The only place I fit in anymore is with my husband and online with my "people," the ones who are in the same boat as me. I don't have a place in the "real" world anymore. Any where I turn in my actual life, there is nothing but proof that I don't belong. I'm just not in the "mommy club," and everyone I know in real life now belongs to that club. Everyone I know has left me and we now seem to have nothing in common. After all, what does one do when others start talking about not getting any sleep because their newborn keeps them up all night? What should I say when the conversation turns to being all about the grandkids and how their saying new words and learning to walk but aren't quite there yet? When should I chime in as my friends bring up how they can't stand morning sickness and Dr's appointments and being as big as a cow? How is it appropriate to tell them that I'd be more than happy to trade shoes. I'd die to have morning sickness and OB/GYN appointments and to be up all night being able to hear my newborn's cries. Their troubles just don't seem to equate to the measure of what we've been dealt...and they have absolutely no clue how to relate to us either. So, one side must fake it. That'd be me. I have to fake my way through those conversations just to hang on to what I left of my real life relationships. I have to pretend to understand their woes and be sympathetic to their exhaustion and thrilled that their toddler is finally walking. Afterall, that's how a normal person would react. I have to pretend to be normal.

May Hope Rise From the Ashes

2/1/08

Chris's Mom and Dad lost their home today. A home they all built from the ground up 10 years ago. The home I've always known them in and the place we've all managed to make so many memories in. It burned to the ground tonight and we are all heartbroken. Luckily, no one was home...which is a blessing in itself as seven people lived in the house and usually there are a handful of other people wandering around. We lovingly referred to the home as the "Richards' Inn."

Chris and I went to the movies tonight with my parents and were an hour away from his parents' house. The movie started at 9:30 PM and just before we went in, Chris got a phone call from his parents' neighbor telling him he thought their house was on fire. Chris called his Dad and thought we were kidding with him. We went on into the movies and about 40 min. later got a phone call from his Mom in hysterics, "The house is gone, it's all gone!"

We got my parents and we all headed to the fire and arrived around 11:30 PM. Hundreds of people had shown up and the firemen did an excellent job keeping the flames contained. They were there all night and we got back home around 4:30 AM. Marc, Donna, Mike, and Adam are staying with Steven and Jessy and their two kids. Nick, Mandi, and Kiley are staying with Mandi's parents. The community is really pulling together and we have them clothes, extra money, and with the Red Cross, Churches, and their insurance company's help things are working out and all will be okay.

We all know the saying, "Things can be replaced but people cannot." This is very true but there are some things that also just can't be replaced and that's the tragic part in this. Baby pictures of all five sons, Kiley's baby pictures, wedding photos, things that were handmade in grade school, and family jewelry passed down from previous generations. Those things are precious, so please protect them in your own home.

This year the family will have to do some adjusting so please pray that all else goes as smoothly as possible for the family and that God will work everything out for the better.

The Hypothetical Happy New Year

1/17/08

It's nearly a month into the new year and I can't help but wonder if it will truly be a happy new year. I can still remember this time last year and how hopeful we were that we would surely be parents by the end of the year if not at least expecting. We're not so sure any longer. Things will be changing this year, though I'm not sure if it will be for the best.

I'm no longer able to take my ovulation medication, of which I've been relying on now for a year. I will also be using the last of my progesterone this cycle which keeps my luteal phase defect in check. I can't go to the Dr. any longer as I know she wants us to do IVF, but that just isn't an option. After all, how many people really have $12,000 just lying around? She said she won't prescribe anymore medication unless I go in to see her for another consultation. Yea, how many of those do I really need? As if we didn't already know the problem. Furthermore, what is the point when she won't even listen to my concerns and test me for what I intensely believe I have: Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS)? I know I have it and I know the medication I need for it. She's just prolonging our infertility. To some, I realize that this may seem egotistical but when you've been suffering from one "unexplained" ailment for over two years, you learn a thing or two. Why would I otherwise have every single symptom of PCOS and not actually have it? It just isn't logical. It's not like there are two or three symptoms that could have several explanations. We're talking about 10-15 symptoms that all relate to one single condition. Doesn't take a rocket scientist to narrow that down!

No matter. A little friendly angel I know sent me my miracle drug...or at least I think it will be. Metformin is given to women with PCOS to help balance out hormone levels, help with weight loss, and prevention of dreaded miscarriages. I'm currently on 1000mg of Metformin and have to work my way up to 2000mg within the next month. I'm praying with all I have that this is the missing link but I'll now always wonder what if this along with the Femara and the Progesterone were all the missing links together. What if? The good news is that with this, my first cycle off Femara, I did manage to ovulate...today as a matter of fact! Let's just hope I can keep it up.

Chris and I are both changing our eating lifestyle as he's been diagnosed with very high cholesterol along with fatty liver disease. That's not a good thing at any age, but at 25 it's even worse. So, I've jumped on the band wagon also...can't hurt. Besides, I've gained so much weight from being on hormones out the wazoo for over a year that it'll be good for me to be off the meds a while and drop some poundage. I'm ready for it. It's been about a month thus far and we've each managed to lose about 10lbs which isn't bad for starters.

I turned the big 2-5 a few weeks ago on the 6th. It's the first B-Day I've never looked forward to. Me being me, I've over analyzed why and have come to the conclusion that it's because it's the first time in my life that I've reached a mental-life milestone and haven't yet acheived all the goals I set out to achieve by this particular point in my life. Disappointing, no? In any event, I tried to ignore the fact that it even happened but family and such insisted that we celebrate in some fashion. So there was a cookout in which Chris and I hosted at our house...a week after my actual birthday. On my bday, we remodeled our master bathroom...which is really what I wanted to do in the first place.

I got a new lap top a few days ago which I'm thrilled to say has WiFi and I can now (somehow) get on the net at home without even paying for it!! How cool is that! I was frustrated because the office in which I work has blocked all non-work related sites and therefore, I could no longer blog...how rude!

Punkin' Pouncer is doing well and has finally found his little voice...though I'm not sure if that is a good thing. He's been going everywhere with me...even to work. He wears a little shirt that says "local celebrity." And he is. Our little boy. He's still very sweet but is teething up a storm! Of course he wants nothing to do with the toys given to him but instead would rather chew on my shoes? I heart him!

Everyone still seems to think that if we just forget about the fertility thing that we'll just somehow magically end up pregnant...oh yea, like we hadn't already thought about that...and tried it! I belived that's called the first year of trying...when you don't even think there is a problem. Duh. Others seem to think that there is this miracle juice that if we drink it we'll be pregnant in 'no time.' What does that mean: no time? And if such a juice exists, don't you think that I would have already tried it? Why do people do this? I've come to the conclusion that they just really don't want to believe there's an actual physical problem and that there has to be this quick fix. Ah...we used to be that nieve as well. I miss those days...now those pretenses just annoy me. Sometimes it seems like I want to be pregnant just to get away from all the sage infertiliy advice from people who don't have a clue what it's like to walk a mile in our shoes. Then I realize that once I'm pregnant, I'll then get advice (that I really don't want to hear) from those that have been pregnant before me...like they are the ultimate guide to pregnancy. Then you have the baby and everyone with toddlers think they are the know-it-all's to infant care and their famed saying of, "Oh, you just wait til that baby starts crawling!" As if I were some alien lifeform who'd never been around kids before. As if I haven't already raised more kids than they can count to. The damn advice will never end, will it?

On a happy note, one of my "online" friends has become pregnant and is about 6wks along now! Chris and I are so excited for her and can't wait to join her and her husband! Kim, one day our magical fairytale will come true and we'll both meet up in that mystical land of FL. *wink, wink*

Here's to a (hypothetically) happy New Year to all and to all a good night!