I Need Sleep!

9/27/07

I'm officially in the two week wait for this cycle. The longest part of each cycle is the last two weeks. It seems to last an eternity. The Femara worked and so now I know I can ovulate with it as well. Though, the side effects were worse with it compared to Clomid. On top of Hot Flashes and Fatigue and weight gain, it made me not be able to sleep! Aaaarrrgghhh!! That's torture! On one hand it makes you sleepy but no matter how sleepy you are, your body and mind won't shut down for you to sleep. So, I did what anyone else would have done...pulled out the Tylenol PM!! That did the trick!

A part of me wishes that I'd had my regular ultra sounds this month just to see the size of the follicles produced by aid of the Femara. I don't suppose it really matters as long as I actually ovulated. It was nice not being a pin cushion for a change and to no have to worry about timing IUIs and hCG shots. Plus, it saved us much cash. Nice additive if ya ask me!

I started my miracle hormone today...Prometrium (Progesterone). This is the medicine that I sincerely believe helped me to get the positive HPT in August. Hoping it'll happen again. Still hoping. However, instead of just praying to get pregnant, now I add in to stay pregnant.

I've added a few music videos to the bottom of the page. Check them out if ya like. "I would die for that" and "Anyway." Great songs and "I would die for that" really cuts deep inside. Gets out there what I feel.

New Drugs!

9/14/07

As you've probably already guessed, I'm again not pregnant this month. I didn't have much hope anyway as I already knew my E2 levels were very low. My latest cycle began on 9/11, of all dates...go figure!

We decided to try on our own, for the most part, a while. The Dr. agreed to keep me on meds, but a new one. She doesn't want me on Clomid anymore for a while as she seems to think it's depleting my lining and E2 levels. Yesterday, I began a medication called Femara. Very similar to Clomid but without the harsh side effects. I'm not sure how my body will react to it, though as I will not be monitored with ultra sounds while on it.

I will use Ovulation Predictor Kits and then timed intercourse...much better than IUIs and all the needles!!! I just hope it is successful! I will also be on Prometrium (Progesterone) after ovulation to sustain a pregnancy if one happens to occur! Wish us luck on this new road. It seems a little too easy for it actually to work. I have to keep reminding myself that it's normally supposed to be even easier than this. Hopefully, this is all it takes.

If nothing else it will be a nice little break. It satisfies my need of not giving up and gives my body a mild rest at the same time. No more needles, no more IUIs, no more ultra sounds, no more Dr's, nurses, or medical students with their prying eyes! Maybe I can gain an ounce of my dignity back! Whoo hoo!!

Remembering 9/11

9/11/07

Noting another tragedy that occurred six years ago today. As if you didn't know! September sucks! Please keep in your thoughts the whole year through those that suffered loss of loved ones in that tragic and idiotic attack. Taliban assholes!

I pray for the families of those who lost loved ones. I pray those said loved ones rest in peace. God please protect this country from further harm and attacks.

I pray for our soldiers overseas and here at home and of course for those who have died fighting for our freedoms and protection. God, please be with our soldiers, leaders and families of those who are fighting to keep America a "free" and blessed nation. See them through these times they themselves cannot see getting through. Please bring peace overseas and bring our brave men and women home to their patiently waiting families.

Please, God, bring down all those who wish to do harm to the innocent. God Bless America!

Celebration of Life

9/10/07

Today marks seven years since that tragic night that I nearly lost my, then, future husband and life as I'd known it. I was 17 and he had just turned 18 a few months before. It was to be the best year of our life: We were Seniors in high school and were to be married shortly after graduation whether our parents liked it or not. We were all about us and so innocently in love. The world revolved around our relationship and we didn't know any better.

I remember that day as if it were today! Unfortunately, that is. I would give anything to forget it. Alas, I now realize that this event would make me who I am today...flaws and all. It set into motion events that have been life altering for us both. What a beautiful Sunday morning it was!

We met up at church that morning. He drove his own truck. He was so thrilled to finally be driving, a long two years after most of his friends had been. We managed the audio/visual equipment at our church. We sat that morning, side by side in a small 4x4 room, listening on and off, to the actual sermon. He took my hand and wrote in black ink: "I love you forever and always."

I had to babysit that day and he had to go to a park with his family. He promised to call me that night before 10pm. I looked back at him through my sideview mirror as I pulled out of the parking lot. Little did I know, it would be the last time I'd see him in that light, who he was at that moment. My weight-lifting, 210 lbs, ROTC Marine hair cut, tall, dark, and handsome Prince...oh, if I'd only made him come with me that day...

9:30pm - I still had not gotten my phone call from him and suddenly had a very aweful, gut-wrenching feeling. I called his house. His younger brother, Steven, answered and told me that Chris was on his way home and that he'd have him call me. The feeling wouldn't subside and my mother thought I was crazy to call all over town trying to find him...no, he didn't have a cell phone.

10:15pm - The phone rang. The caller ID read his home # and there was a breif sigh of relief. I answered, "Well, it's about time!" The voice on the other end: "Just pray, Nicole, just pray!" It was Steven. He told me Chris and Nick (another brother) had been in a bad wreck. Surely he was making some sort of sick joke and Chris was standing next to him! He wasn't joking. He told me that Nick was ok but that Chris was being airlifted somewhere. I lost it. No amount of words can describe what happened to me at that moment. Innocence was lost. The phone went crashing to the floor. I didn't know which way to turn, which direction to go in. I needed to get to him...that's all I knew and all I cared about. My mom drove me to the hospital...a drive that seemed to last about five hours! We were the first ones there. A Chaplain was immediately thrown at us. It's all a blur. One big fuzzy dream. That's what I wanted to believe.

2am - Dr finally came out to give us "news." Not good and happy news...though it rarely is. Chris had sustained massive head, back, shoulder, and rib injuries as his body was thrust from his jacked up Ford Ranger XL, out the Driver's side window. The truck flipped through the air and landed on top of Chris, pinning his shoulder to the ground. The brain damage was extensive and required emergency surgery. Nick had been wearing his seatbelt and had one cut on his elbow and close to his ear, not even requiring stitches...thank God! Chris's family had become my family and with this relationship I had not only gained a fiance` but four brothers. We just thought we were close at that point. We were there for eachother. Lifting one up when one would fall.

3am - It was finally my turn to see Chris before his surgery. I'll never forget those ICU waiting room doors. I walked inot his room, my whole body trembling in fear. I looked up at what was a body full of life and future just a few hours before. He laid there...seemingly lifeless. Machines, tubes, bandages, blood, bruises, beeping, dripping...endless agony. I hated seeing him like that. They couldn't guarantee that he'd even pull through this operation. We weren't even supposed to talk to or touch him. Being a teenager, there was no way I was having that! I walked over to him and picked up his bruised hand. I looked down at mine in his and remembered that morning, his eyes, his love. I saw the slightly smudged black ink on my hand with the words he'd written. Tears began falling with no end.

Fast forward to 10/31 - I cannot keep typing the details right now as I can barley see the computer screen through the tears. Chris came home on Halloween. Not all there, but alive. He didn't remember me and barely remembered his family. Names were a mute point. My Prince was now a mere 160lbs at 6 feet tall. Scars from head to toe. Part of his skull underneath layers of skin in his abdomen. His eyes were very different. I didn't care. He was walking on his own and talking on his own and eating on his own...things the Dr's never thought he'd do again. Prayer is truly a miraculous thing. God does work miracles.

9/10/2007 - It's been a very long and rough road for us. Has been since that day seven years ago. Chris has overcome so much! More than anyone ever gives him credit for. So have I. He has no recolection of any of those events. Never will. That's God's gift to him, that and having his life back. I, on the otherhand, have been put through the mental ringer for years. I still have nightmares no one knows about and I still freak out if I don't hear from him on time. Everyone was affected in their own right. Our road has been made up of pot holes and rocks and yet here we are...barely scathed on the other side. The road isn't at an end and hopefully won't be for a long, long, long lifetime together. It's made me love him even more than before and I never thought that would be possible. Nearly eight years into our relationship and we sincerely have the happiest marriage I know of. My 270lbs of Prince has that look in his eyes again. That same look I saw that Sunday morning seven years ago. I can only hope and pray that by this time next year he'll have another look in his eyes...the look of a very proud father.

May I Scream Now?

8/30/07

Our third consult was today. Though it wasn't very uplifting. I never knew just how scared I would be of three little letters...IVF. She went over our "options." Basically there are two options she would like us to do.

Option #1: She seems to think that they need total control of my cycles to make things happen as they normally should. This being done by giving myself injectibles of a medication called Lupron everyday of for the first two weeks of my cycle and when all the hormone levels line up where they need to be, they will force my body to ovulate and then do IUI. She informed me that the pregnancy rate for this is 15-25%, which sounds good. However, those numbers aren't "take home baby" numbers. Those are strictly how many people got pregnant in doing 3-4 cycles of this process. Some, inevitably, ended in miscarriage. This procedure will cost us around $2,500 a pop. Another downside is that if I produce more than three eggs in a cycle, she will not do the IUI for fear of multiples, which means that $2,500 is wasted for nothing. So, if we had to do the four cycles she wants us to do then that would add up to over $10,000!

Option #2: Dreaded In Vetro Fertilization, otherwise known as IVF. Just hearing it come from her mouth made me want to belt out an ear-shattering scream! Never, in a million years did I see our situation coming to this. For those of you not informed of this drawn out procedure, now's the time to learn. I would again have to inject myself with the Lupron medication as well as Follicle Stimulating Hormone and Lutenizing Hormone until all hormone levels indicated my eggs are mature. Then I would go in for a procedure where they insert a rather LARGE needle to draw out all the eggs produced. Luckily, I would be asleep for this. Chris gets off easy (pun intended). After doing his duty, my eggs and his sperm are placed in a petri dish to be fertilized. Three to five days later, 1-2 embryos are inserted into my unterus. Then they either implant to grow or die and I miscarry. Any extra fertilized eggs are frozen for later use. Isn't that nice...frozen baby pops!?!? The upside to this procedure is that the statistical pregnancy/take home baby rate is 50-60% for those under 35 years old. The downside, you ask? Just ONE of these procedures is around $13,000! Not exactly pocket change, eh?

We, unfortunately, cannot do either of those two options. It would be a different ballgame if the insurance we are paying out the ass for would lend a hand, but oh no!! So, I brought up a 3rd Option...really, the only option:

Option #3: Chris and I try on our own with the aid of medications, Clomid or Femara to make me ovulate and Progesterone for after Ovulation. We'll just do things the old fashioned way...I have to admit, that way is much preferable anyhow. She said she would be okay with that but she really doesn't want me on Clomid too much longer because she thinks it's starting to reduce my uterine lining month to month. There's not much evidence of that, but whatever.

Chris and I will have to discuss these options but by process of elimination, I can see that #3 is going to be the best for now. I think it would be awesome to be able to get pregnant as similar as a normal couple...not to mention, much more pleasurable!

Timing is Everything!

8/27/07

My Dr. never called me back to discuss what effect the lack of Estradiol (E2) would have on an early pregnancy. Therefore, we decided that it would be best not to trigger ovulation. I did internet research on my own seeing as how I cannot depend on my medical team to get back to me. *rolls eyes*

I found that E2 is responsible for giving the "go ahead" to other hormones. It cues FSH and LH. FSH or follicle stimulating hormone is what makes follicles/eggs grow and mature. LH or Luetenizing Hormone is what forces ovulation. So, with my E2 levels being dramatically low one would think that my follicles wouldn't be growing/maturing and that I would just not ovulate this cycle. Something just didn't add up to me. I clearly saw that my follicles were in fact growing. Now, maturing is another issue all together. I can't see that. But growing they were. E2 is also responsible for the production of CM or Cervical Mucus which allows sperm to travel with ease. This I also have.

Hoping for the best and preparing for the worst, with this information under my belt, I continued to test with my Ovulation Predictor Kits (OPKs). To my surprise upon testing just last night I got my very fist positive that has occurred naturally, without the hCG Trigger Shot. I again called my Dr's office this morning to inform them and to ask of my chance of miscarriage if becoming pregnant and if it would be wise to proceed with the IUI. I spoke to the nurse, of whom I really wish was my Dr because at least she calls me back! She asked me to take another test this morning. I did. It was negative. She said "Well, it seems you caught the end of your LH Surge" (as I had already assumed). She continued, "I'll put another call into your Dr. to have her call you but I don't think we'll move forward with the IUI because we do those the day after a natural LH Surge. We can't do it on such short notice. Aren't you late into your cycle anyway?" I told her that I was only on Cycle Day 18 (the first IUI was on CD18). She told me that she hoped my Dr would return my call this time. Fat chance of that, I thought. I do really need her to call me back though because we are going to try this the "old way" for a change but I still need Progesterone for my Luetal Phase Defect. I'll need to start it in a few days and don't have any refills.

With all of this, I have to ask myself if they've always been wrong? I mean, they've always done my tests on CD11-12 and then told me to trigger myself that same night. What if they've always told me to take the shot too early and all my eggs thus far weren't ready to ovulate. That and the fact that they've just accepted that I have a Lueteal Phase Defect...or at least accepted it to appease me. They can't argue with facts though. All of this would inevitably lead to several early miscarriages. I'm almost certain I've been pregnant before and simply lost all babies due to faulty timing.

Am I Even Female?

8/21/07


It's been a very busy past few days! Today is Tuesday. I went to the Dr. for my consult last Thursday. I brought in all my charts to show her proof of why I think my main issue is lack of Progesterone after ovulation. Let's go over some vocabulary first. Progesterone sustains a pregnancy through it's first tri-mester. A Lueteal Phase is the time period between ovulation and the day a woman starts her next mensus. The average woman has a lueteal phase of about 14 days. This is the length of time a fertilized egg needs to make the journey to the womb and implant securely into the lining, or endometrium, of the uterus. My lueteal phase is normally nine days. So, I have a lueteal phase defect or LPD. This last cycle, I was put on Progesterone to lenghten my lueteal phase. It worked and our fertilized egg implanted 11 days into the lueteal phase. For some unknown reason, however, the baby died.

Back to the charts and the consult. Even with all the proof in front of her, she wouldn't see my point or validate it. She said, "Well, how did you know it (the baby) implanted on day 11?" I had implantation spotting as many women do. She said, "Many women spot all throughout their cycles." Maybe, but I don't and it's not normal for me. I know my own freakin' body. In any event, she said she would give me the progesterone as it won't affect anything in a negative way but that she doesn't really see the point. Idiot.

A friend of mine mentioned to me that I am a Dr's worst nightmare. Though he was jokingly serious, that shouldn't matter. I'm not a wallflower. I can't just sit idley by and let Dr's decide what they want to do to my body just because they have a degree. I wouldn't understand a person not wanting to be educated about what is happening to them. Grant you, I don't go into these appointments and tell her what she is going to do. I do, however, ask plenty of questions, demand answers, and suggest alternative routes to take. At this point, I really don't feel that my opinions are taken seriously, which may eventually lead me to another clinic and Dr.

In any event, afer going over all the options:

1. Exploratory Surgery
2. 4th Clomid/IUI
3. Femara instead of Clomid
4. Injectibles/IUI
5. Clomid/2 Injectibles/IUI

We decided to go with #5. This is called a Hybrid Cycle. It's more expensive than what we've been doing because shots cost more than just pills. So, this is what I did after the miscarriage: Took 50mg of Clomid on Cycle Days 3-7. Took my first shot of FSH on Cycle Day 7 and the second shot on Day 9. I went in for my ultra sound and blood work on day 11 (Yesterday). I have two good follicles, one on the right measuring 22mm and one on the left measruing 19mm. My uterine lining was ok at 6.7mm. I left the Dr. and headed into work thinking I'd probably take the hCG shot that night and that the IUI would be on Wednesday. I got a call yesterday afternoon and it was the nurse telling me there was some bad news. My Estradiol Level (Estrogen) was only at 85. It wasn't corresponding with the size of the eggs on the ultra sound. It should have been in the 200-300 range. They ordered me to come back in today to do the exact same thing. Right egg was the same size (22mm), left egg grew to 20.5mm, and my uterine lining thickened more to 7mm.

Here is the picture of my left ovary and egg follicle. The biggest black circle is the follicle that is 20.5mm. The egg is inside.


I just got the call from the nurse about my blood work. Again with the bad news! Is there ever any good news? She said that my blood from today had an estradiol level of 50 and they re-ran yesterday's blood and it came back at 32! I'm not producing Estrogen. So, there's no estrogen and no progesterone. Am I even female? Geesh! She said they wouldn't do the IUI becuase there is no point in wasting the money when they don't think it will work anyhow. She said that since I already have a trigger shot, that I could use it to go ahead and ovulate and just have "timed intercourse." I asked her if by chance it worked and I became pregnant, what my chance of miscarriage would be if they already know these eggs aren't quite "right"? She of course said she doesn't know but doesn't think it would effect that. I don't know what to do. Chris and I have to talk about this tonight and we'll decide then.

In the meantime, I've written a Memorial Poem for our early loss:

Our Angel

Early morning breath and hair,
Racing to the test.
Good news I was hoping to share,
Praying for the best.

Trembling hands awaiting the time.
Pacing the floor, not wanting to look
As the clock chimes.
So much courage it took.

My emotions much too raw,
Glancing toward the table.
Finally, two pink lines I saw.
I could now have the label,

We’ve wanted for so long.
Hitting my knees I cried,
“I’m so glad I was wrong!”
It really isn’t a lie.

Blood they wanted to take.
Forcing my veins to bite the bait,
To make sure it wasn’t a mistake.
I would just have to wait.

A new day dawns,
Feelings of despair.
My husband smiles and yawns,
He doesn’t know what’s in the air.

My anxious mind racing,
Wanting the phone to ring.
Again with the pacing,
Really hoping I’d be able to sing.

The Doctor’s voice ever so clear,
“Hun, I have some bad news.”
It was my worst fear.
The baby I would soon lose.

Unable to speak,
Dropping the phone to the floor.
Knees feeling weak,
I felt it in my core.

Tears flowed like rain,
As I tried to tell him
Our efforts had been in vein.
He drove to me on that whim.

Sobbing at my desk,
Red face and eyes closed tight.
He held me to his chest
And told me it would all be alright.

His heart had to be breaking,
But he held strong for me.
As I was aching,
He could surely see

In my womb our miracle died.
It was two days
Before our baby would fly
Into Heaven’s bright rays.

Returning to Sender
I can understand.
For if this Lender
Was holding my hand,

My life in His eyes,
My soul in His heart,
I couldn’t be shy.
I surely wouldn’t want to part.

I now think I’ve long enough mourned.
With this new title,
I can’t be that scorned.
Devil, toss your dagger, reins and bridle!

For now, I’m a mother of an angel
That will never fall
And likes to dangle
High above us all.