Last Hope

7/25/07

Today was our last shot at becoming parents with medical assistance for a long while. We simply cannot keep affording this...financially and emotionally, month after month. We are truly tired. I really do feel like a human pin cushion. Other than this, today was mildly hopeful...though the same has been said for past procedures.

I went in for my ultra sound two days ago. I had two follicles...one on the left (21mm) and one on the right (19mm), finally. This is the first time in 4 months I've had an egg developing on the right side. My uterine linging was also nicely thinckened at 8.5mm. I was very impressed on how fast these cycles are going.

To recap, for our first IUI, I had two eggs in the left ovary around 20mm each. Chris's count was at 56 million sperm and I don't remember the motility. The procedure happened on cycle day 19. For our second IUI, I had one follicle on the left 19mm and he had 28 million sperm with 60% motility (not much hope there if you ask me). It took place on cycle day 16. This go 'round, Chris had a count of 45 million with 90% motility and the IUI was on cycle day 13. With that said, this cycle doesn't look too bad, expecially since I have an egg on each side. Again, I'm trying not to get my hopes up...as if that ever works.

At the end of the IUI, the Dr. (mind you, three different Dr's have performed each IUI) said, "We'll see you in 14 days for your blood test." I said, "No matter, I'll know in 9 days because that's how long my lueteal phase is." She couldn't believe it was that short and told me they like to see a lueteal phase of 10-16 days. Grant you I had mentioned this little known fact quite a few other times and it was disregarded by everyone else saying that it was quite "normal." HA! Nothing about this process is normal! In any event, she gave me Progesterone to lengthen that time between my ovulation and next cycle. Finally! Someone who actually listens to what the patient has to say! So, I'm on Progesterone and hoping with every fiber I am that it is what does the trick. We shall see.

Friday the Thirteenth

7/13/07

Today was most definitely bad luck for us. I am, yet again, not pregnant. Surprise, surprise. I'm feeling very defeated. I don't know what I would do without Chris though. He, among a group of online friends, is the only one who understands what this does to me. He is the only one who knows what to say and what to do. For that reason, I've come to the conclusion that I will not be talking to anyone else about this matter. People ask and are curious about this whole process and, up until now, I've been very open with most. I'm cutting that off. Everytime a discussion is brought up, those lovely "well-meaning" people always manage to say things that make me feel worse. I'm not sure how they manage to do this, but it's utterly amazing. Just when I think that I can't feel any further guilt-ridden, someone proves me wrong. I know they don't mean to do it, but nevertheless it still hurts. Their ignorance is my pain. I just can't deal with it anymore. The remarks continuously play back in my mind, litterally haunting me:

Well-Meaning People & My Fantasy Responses:

"At least you haven't been trying for 5-10 years!" I shouldn't have to!
"You're just over-thinking it, stop and it'll happen." Why don't I just stop breathing too?
"You're just stressing about it too much." You're the cause of my stress!
"It'll happen when you least expect it." I do least expect it!
"Why not adopt?" Why not fund the $25,000 for me?
"You're next!" You're an idiot!
"...and we all know Nicole loves kids!" No! Really? I hadn't realized!
"Wouldn't you love to have one of those!" No, I want my own!
"Maybe you should just take a break." Maybe I should break your neck?
"You'll understand when you have kids." You'll understand when you have a brain!

I could go on and on for ages. I could make a book about what NOT to say to someone who is trying to concieve! I sincerely, out of the hope for humanity, believe that people say these things becuase they are very uneducated about reproduction and really do not know what to say to those of us in a situation of infertility. *rolls eyes*

I've been quite confused today regarding what step to take next. Our Dr. likes to try at least three rounds of IUI with Clomid. I can't help but feel at this point like we are wasting money on a procedure that is obviously not working for us. I wanted to have a consult with our Dr. to discuss our options, so I called the nurse to let her know I've started another cycle. I informed her of my dilemma and she checked our Dr.'s schedule for the next time she would be available for a consult. The next date is August 8th! That would mean that we would be throwing this cycle away and really instictly already know what she is going to tell us anyway. She will say that she recommends 3 rounds of IUI/Clomid but that she would bump us up to injectables/IUI if we wanted. That may possibly work "better," but we don't know and it's much more expensive than what we are doing now. We are spending about $1,000 a month on medical bills currently. With injectibles, that will more than double. Not to mention, that I think I'm getting poked enough as it is without adding more needles to the madness. I called Chris at work to go over these so called options and we've agreed to do one more round of Clomid/IUI. That's all the Dr. will do anyhow before telling us to move on to injectibles. I'm not sure if we are doing this out of what little hope we have left or because we are already financially strapped and are scared to leap into more bills?!? All I know is that we've somehow mustered up the strength to move forward at least one more time. Not sure how we'll feel this time next month.

Cutting the Proverbial Cord

7/2/07

We've just had our second IUI. To be honest, I don't feel very hopeful about this cycle. I only had one egg compared to two last cycle and Chris only had 28 million little swimmers compared to 56 million last time. I've lost a lot of hope. I realize today exactly how exhausted I am...emotionally and physically.

I took the "trigger" shot on 6/30, and had an adverse reaction this time. I have a huge welt on my abdomen at the injection site. It's quite painful but the Dr.'s say it is normal. It freaked me out as I did not have this complication last time. I'm bruised on my arm from nurses drawing blood. I even have a permanent bruise on my hand from the months of blood work. I'm so stressed about everything right now...it all seems to be coming to a head.

Medical bills are starting come in and each month we're going through an extra $1,000 aside from regular bills due to treatment not being covered by medical insurance. Not to mention the gas we go through traveling back and forth from Augusta. That four-hour trek happens four to five times a month.

I've slept the majority of today and even as I type, my eyes are burning to shut. I'm just worn out. I have hormones racing through me via presciptions and injections. I'm emotional, which is not like me at all. I just feel like I could fall asleep and not wake up for about a week.

Between these and other stresses, such as my grandmother being on her deathbed and my responsibilities at work and to our extended families, I'm just ready give it up. My brain tells me one thing and my heart says another. Chris wants me to take a break if this time around isn't successful. I was so full of hope last month, but with everything going on now it's faded considerably.

I'll have an answer in about two weeks, but I'm not as anxious this time as I have been in the past tries. Normally, the waiting period is killer but I'm taking it stride now. Mainly, I think that's because I'll go nuts if I add that thought onto my plate right now. I'm just ready to be off this roller coaster. To quit TTC or not to quit TTC, that is the question? I'm very lost and low on hope right now...and it's not a pleasant place to be. There aren't too many people who truly understand what we're going through right now. One and a half years of this so far and to do it for another year and half??? Is that even possible? Definitely not financially! I don't think I can handle it physically or emotionally! I also don't think I will be able to continue to take off work for Dr.'s appointments as I'm sensing slight annoyances of my bosses. Maybe it's time to let this dream die. *cries self to sleep*

Round Two!

6/28/07

I'm on cycle day 12. I went in for my follicle monitoring ultra sound this morning. I have many follies in my right ovary, but they are all too immature to have any hope of making it to ovulation. I have one "nice" follie in my left ovary, currently measuring 16mm. They ran blood work to check my Estridol and LH levels. My LH level is still very low, which means I won't be ovulating in the next 12-48 hours. My Estridol level is at 76, which is supposedly good and in accordance with my follicle's size.

To recap, last month I had two "nice" follicles in my left ovary both measuring 18mm on cycle day 18. My Estridol level last month was 168 on that same day. I was just informed today that my Estridol level from last month was low seeing as how there were two eggs released. This month, there aren't as many follicles but the one I do have is maturing quicker than last month.

I start using my Ovulation Predictor Kits today. If I don't get a positive test by Saturday morning, I have to call the Dr. and set up our 2nd IUI for Monday, July 2, 2007. I will have to give myself another "trigger" shot on 6/30 if I don't get a positive reading by that Saturday morning.

I am cautiously excited about this 2nd IUI. I'm really hoping this is the one...but also trying not to get my hopes up high. This last cycle was very difficult to take. Finding out we weren't pregnant on Father's Day was even worse than the usual negative HPT. Just another blow, with a little more sting each passing month. Satan is trying so hard to bring us down to his level. We're not going there. I know with all I am that we will have a child of our own...a little combination of us both. That keeps me going.

Some days are harder than others. The News makes it difficult to understand why this is happening to us. Everyday, I can turn on the News and see an innocent baby hurt or killed by his/her parents or loved ones. Why? Just this week I read of a Pro Wrestler who killed his wife and his seven year old son before hanging himself! Why? I also read of a 21-yr old man who shook his 2 month old baby to death because she was crying! Why? Why would anyone do these things? Better yet, why do they get the gift of having children if all they will do is harm them? Things like this make our situation evermore trying.

In addition, we still have those handy dandy "well-meaning" people to cope with. The ones who seem to think stress is our problem. "Just stop trying and it'll happen." "Don't think about it and it'll happen." "Just relax and it'll come." I could go on and on. I don't understand why people can't comprehend that this type of worldly advice does not help! I try my best to just put on a foe happy face, grit my teeth, hold my tongue and walk away. I would love to ask where they received their medical degree. Seriously, would they tell a cancer patient to "just relax" and a cure will happen? NO, they don't! Why? Because they know better; they understand that cancer is a serious medical condition that requires medical treatment. There are so many people out there who are very ignorant to the medical condition of Infertility. A glass of wine is not a treatment, nor cure. When these "well-meaning" people harp on infertiles to "just relax," it only makes us want to punch their face in. They are implying that we are simply tight asses who are overly obsessed with getting pregnant. Even if we were, that has nothing to do with the actual condition, nor does stress affect one's ability to achieve conception. I really don't know why they think the way they do. All we really want to hear/know is that they are praying/rooting for us. That they love us and we are in their thoughts. We just want to know that someone is there backing us with support, an ear to listen, and a shoulder to cry on. We don't need advice, that's what we're paying the Doctors for.

God is Great!

6/18/07

No, I'm still not pregnant. I do, however, have money to replenish our medical savings account! I was greeted at work today with an $1,800 commission check that I really wasn't expecting! Now we will be able to move forward with our trying to conceive plans.

I spoke to our Dr. today and I was correct in the assumption that we would do another Clomid/IUI. She set me up for my first ultra sound of this cycle on 6/28. I start the Clomid tomorrow. I'm hoping for several eggs to mature so that it will increase our chances. July has to be our month! Because I'm really not sure how many more of these negatives we can handle. Each one is immensely devastating!

Dear God, Thank you!

Happy Not-a-Father Day!

6/17/07

I really wanted to wake up today and take a home pregnancy test, have it be positive, and then get to tell my husband "Happy Father's Day!" As we all know by now, my plans never go as expected. Today was a nightmare.

I woke up around 5:30 AM with antcipation of the pregnancy test not allowing me sleep! I took it and of course it was a negative! Thinking and trying to keep myself calm I say, "Well, it's still just too early...I'm only 10 days past ovulation." I went back to bed. We awoke at 8:30 AM to a bright and sunny Father's Day. Then I went to the bathroom, lo and behold, Aunt Flow showed up. I was miserable. I broke down into tears and Chris immediately knew what that meant. He, again, did his best to comfort me and I knew he was dying inside as we now had to go stuff all these emotions behind our backs and suffer through a Father's Day Lunch with his family. A lunch where we knew there would be babies and Dads galore! Somehow, we managed to pull through and made a quick exit proceeding the gift-giving.

Next on the agenda, was to see my family for the day. We were to have a simple and small cookout which we both could emotionally handle due to the fact there would be no children present. We arrived at their house around 2 PM where we discovered that my Mom had just called 911 as my live-in Grandmother had suffered a stroke. We followed suit to the hospital where we got to sit and wait, and wait, and wait, and then we waited somemore. Finally, they said, "There is nothing we can do." They admitted her and said they would make sure she stayed "comfortable." We made it back to my parents' house around 8:30 PM and still tried to enjoy the remainder of the evening by having our family cookout.

I'm so emotionally drained from today that I'm finding it utterly impossible to keep my eyes open. I am very upset and don't even have it in me to bring out any tears. I have to call the Dr. on Monday and see what our next course of action is to be. I'm sure she'll have us do another round of Clomid/IUI. I'm not really sure how we'll afford it though. I found out earlier this week what I had to pay out for our quarterly 2007 estimated taxes on 6/15. My jaw dropped when our accountant said, "$2,000.00!!" That cleaned out our savings account...which was the funding for all our medical expenses. Just one round of IUI is $600! I'm feeling rather hopeless at the moment as there is no financing option for any of this. It's either you pay on the spot or it doesn't happen!

Dear God, I know You may not hear this one very often (or maybe You do), but we need money to get pregnant! Happy Father's Day! Love, Two Very Disappointed Believers.

The Waiting Game

6/6/07

It's been two weeks since the last post and a lot has happened! 6/1 was Chris's birthday and we had a blast with the family at City Slickers, our favorite restaurant! Chris adores his new job and he is learning new things everyday.

Today is cycle day 20 for me on the trying to conceive forefront. I've been charting and temping everyday as to not miss ovulation. Two days ago, I became worried that I had already ovulated and would miss having our IUI this month. I called our RE and she had me come in for an ultrasound. The good news was that I had not yet "Oed" and had TWO mature egg follicles measuring 18 mm. Eggs usually ovulate between 18 to 26 mm and they grow, on average, 2 mm a day. The bad news was that it was getting too late into the cycle for us just to "wait" for my body to trigger ovulation. It might have or might not have. So, they sent me home with a "trigger" shot filled with HCg hormone. I injected myself that night at 8:45 PM.

Cycle day 19, yesterday, I took an ovulation predictor kit and it was positive!! I called the Dr. and she set us up for an IUI at 8:45 AM today! We left the house this morning at 5:15 AM because we live 2 hours away from the Dr.'s office. Chris had to be there at 7:45 AM for his little "donation" to this project. His little guys went through a "washing" process, which is where they remove bacteria, seamen, and any deformed sperm. They only needed 10 million to do the IUI. The Dr. came in to let us know his count was excellent and they were very motile! He had 56 million little swimmers after the washing!! Dr. Murphy performed the IUI and it was painless, well for a little while anyhow. Everything went as planned and we were out by 10 AM. As today has progressed, I'm very crampy and sore in my lower abdomen. This is normal but not fun. I will be resting for the remainder of the day and praying that I'm pregnant! Now, we play the two week waiting game!

P.S. Happy Birthday, Dad!! :)