How Many Licks Does it Take?

12/10/07

It's going to be another sorrowful Christmas for us. We've reached our two-year mark now in the Trying to Conceive department. My chart looked great this past cycle...perfect even. What happened? I was very sick though during the week of ovulation. Maybe that had something to do with it...and now Chris is getting sick. I really hate this...hate actually isn't a strong enough word for how I feel about infertility.

I reached a new pathetic low this past weekend, after finding that I was indeed not pregnant. We met up with Chris's parents to go Christmas shopping. They needed to venture into Toys R Us for the grandkids. I went in while Chris parked the car. Right in the door they had these very cute Dora and Diego ornaments...I always get our niece and nephews an ornament for Christmas. Then I ran across the cutest ornament ever with a little mouse sitting on a pacifier. The inscription on the paci read, "2007 Parents to be." This enormous lump took over my throat and it suddenly became very difficult to breathe. I turned the corner to escape but alas it seemed to be a trap! That corner lead me directly into the infant clothing section with some of the cutest Winnie the Pooh Christmas outfits. The lump grew larger. I turned another corner to evade the clothes and then I was smacked in the face with tons of gear for new parents...cribs, high chairs, diaper bags, etc. The walls began closing in on me as I spun in circles seeking a hole to hide in. No matter, as everywhere I turned there were happy families holding new babies and had toddlers jumping up and down in utter anticipation of Santa's upcoming appearance. Chris found me at that moment and immmediately asked what was wrong when I asked for the keys to the car. He could see the tears welling and really didn't have to ask the matter...he knew. The point was mute and he handed over the keys, paid for the ornaments, and met me in the car. I hadn't even made it out of the store before losing it.

We sat in the car for an hour crying and talking and crying some more! It kills me to see him cry and vis versa. We both feel the same way about our unfortunate position and are both more concerned about the other than for ourselves. I'm just so completely lost about what to do. We just don't have the money for IVF. Chris offered to sell his truck for the $10K it's worth...then I cried again. I don't want him having to sell his truck. We shouldn't have to sell anything. I seem to recall pregnancy being a normal thing...something that just happened when you wanted it...and sometimes even when you didn't want it too. It's Christmas time and we're supposed to be happy. We are happy but we are ever so sad at the same instant...how confusing is that! My mind continues to bring up the fact that I'm supposed to be five months along right now. I keep waiting for our second chance. Will it come?

We're stuck between a rock and a hard place. I've been on Femara and Progesterone together now for 3 cycles. I don't know if my Dr. will continue to prescribe this combo. It does work...I just need more time. However, she might press me to come in for another consult but I already know how that conversation works. She'll suggest IVF and I'll ask her to donate her $12K to do it. Conversation over. And she expects me to pay a $60 co-pay for that...or maybe even more now because I haven't seen her since our new insurance took effect and infertility is still not covered but now neither is testing as it's considered a "pre-existing" condition. Gotta love those insurance companies.

Life can be very cruel. I've failed to mention that my best friend of ten years is now 17 weeks pregnant. I love her and wish her the best but it's made me feel even lower than I did before. Her pregnancy has untentionally snubbed in my face the certainty of our predicament. She's never wanted kids as long as I've known her. She wasn't trying. She wasn't ready and fully admits that she's still not ready. So, then why did the universe get those lines crossed? How many licks does it take...the world may never know.

Long Time No Type

11/30/07

It's been nearly two months since my last post. And no, I'm not pregnant...yet! I've just been really busy. With Thanksgiving and Christmas preparations life has been hectic. We did our annual Thanksgiving week in Pigeon Forge, TN last week. It was wonderful until I fell ill! I haven't been sick in nearly two years and when does it decide to strike?? On my vacation! Grrrr! I was diagnosed a few days ago with Acute Bronchitis and Astmha. I'm being treated for both. Apparently I was misdiagnosed as a teenager with only sports related astmha. And this whole time I thought my shortness of breath from time to time was just from being out of shape! HA!

Now, on top of fertiliy drugs, I'm on two inhalers, super strenth cough medicine, and augmentin. I ovulated last week, the day after Turkey Day! I was so sick but put on the happy face for all the baby dancing ahead. Got 'er Done! I have no clue though how my body could have possibly produced any good eggs for this cycle?? I was just so miserable, but Chris was so attentive and loving. He took care of me the whole trip! I feel so bad that I ruined both our vacations. Luckily, we're going back to the mountains again for a few days the week before Christmas though so hopefully I can make up for it then.

This cycle I was on my third round of Femara (similar to Clomid) and my fifth round of Progesterone. We've added a new item into the mix for the past two months...Instead Cups. Their use is intended for AF but others have discovered that they come in handy for baby making by "cupping" the swimmers up close to the cervix to prevent "leakage." They are quite cheap at Wal-Mart, disposable, and easy to use. Many of my 'vet ttc sisters' have been incredibly fortunate enough to become pregnant using them after only a few short months trying it and this is preceeding up to years of trying to concieve beforehand. There has to be something said for that! Here's hoping they work for us too!

Four + Four =

10/2/07

Today marks eight years for Chris and I. Eight years ago today, two love-struck teenagers embarked on a relationship that would forever change them both. Little did they know the struggles they would encounter in the years to come nor did they realize there would be years to come. For these two lived in the moment and the world revolved around them. Those were the days! Don't get me wrong though, I wouldn't trade now for then anyday!

So, since this little milestone falls on a weekday this year I'm surprising Chris this weekend with a trip to Atlanta. I've booked a very nice hotel and have gotten tickets to Medieval Times at Discover Mills! I'm so excited! I love these getaways when it's just the two of us. It's like a part of us reverts back to the days of teenage selfishness. It's a great feeling. We forget bills and worries and families. We can concentrate on us and us alone. God knows every couple facing infertility has to do that for themselves or risk their marriage suffering from their reproductive short-comings. I know better. That is one thing that I'm so thankful for. Our marriage *or sex life* hasn't suffered. Though, we've had to work at it and continually keep in check our emotions and stress levels to ensure we aren't taking the brunt of our frustrations out on eachother.

These getaways bring the spontanaity back into our lives and we do it for the other. Chris has planned two weekend trips this year, trips that he surprised me with. One to Gatlinburg, TN and the other to Helen, GA. Both great and exciting and romantic! We love coming up with surprises for eachother. Chris knows I have something planned for this weekend but he doesn't know what it is. He's so anxious...it's really cute! A few weekends ago, I surprised him with a night out in Athens to see the Broadway version of Beauty and the Beast, which was awesome!

On fertile ground, I'm currently 2 days past ovulation. My basal body temps are looking good and we're hoping for the best. Again, it's been so nice this month to not be pressured with Dr's and needles and excessive meds. I am on meds but not as many. For the first time in a while, I'm looking forward to the outcome of this cycle. We both are. We both have a lot of hope. Though, in the back of my mind I know what that hope leads to if in the end Aunt Flo shows up. Heartache, tears, and tampons! I'll keep the hope anyhow.

I Need Sleep!

9/27/07

I'm officially in the two week wait for this cycle. The longest part of each cycle is the last two weeks. It seems to last an eternity. The Femara worked and so now I know I can ovulate with it as well. Though, the side effects were worse with it compared to Clomid. On top of Hot Flashes and Fatigue and weight gain, it made me not be able to sleep! Aaaarrrgghhh!! That's torture! On one hand it makes you sleepy but no matter how sleepy you are, your body and mind won't shut down for you to sleep. So, I did what anyone else would have done...pulled out the Tylenol PM!! That did the trick!

A part of me wishes that I'd had my regular ultra sounds this month just to see the size of the follicles produced by aid of the Femara. I don't suppose it really matters as long as I actually ovulated. It was nice not being a pin cushion for a change and to no have to worry about timing IUIs and hCG shots. Plus, it saved us much cash. Nice additive if ya ask me!

I started my miracle hormone today...Prometrium (Progesterone). This is the medicine that I sincerely believe helped me to get the positive HPT in August. Hoping it'll happen again. Still hoping. However, instead of just praying to get pregnant, now I add in to stay pregnant.

I've added a few music videos to the bottom of the page. Check them out if ya like. "I would die for that" and "Anyway." Great songs and "I would die for that" really cuts deep inside. Gets out there what I feel.

New Drugs!

9/14/07

As you've probably already guessed, I'm again not pregnant this month. I didn't have much hope anyway as I already knew my E2 levels were very low. My latest cycle began on 9/11, of all dates...go figure!

We decided to try on our own, for the most part, a while. The Dr. agreed to keep me on meds, but a new one. She doesn't want me on Clomid anymore for a while as she seems to think it's depleting my lining and E2 levels. Yesterday, I began a medication called Femara. Very similar to Clomid but without the harsh side effects. I'm not sure how my body will react to it, though as I will not be monitored with ultra sounds while on it.

I will use Ovulation Predictor Kits and then timed intercourse...much better than IUIs and all the needles!!! I just hope it is successful! I will also be on Prometrium (Progesterone) after ovulation to sustain a pregnancy if one happens to occur! Wish us luck on this new road. It seems a little too easy for it actually to work. I have to keep reminding myself that it's normally supposed to be even easier than this. Hopefully, this is all it takes.

If nothing else it will be a nice little break. It satisfies my need of not giving up and gives my body a mild rest at the same time. No more needles, no more IUIs, no more ultra sounds, no more Dr's, nurses, or medical students with their prying eyes! Maybe I can gain an ounce of my dignity back! Whoo hoo!!

Remembering 9/11

9/11/07

Noting another tragedy that occurred six years ago today. As if you didn't know! September sucks! Please keep in your thoughts the whole year through those that suffered loss of loved ones in that tragic and idiotic attack. Taliban assholes!

I pray for the families of those who lost loved ones. I pray those said loved ones rest in peace. God please protect this country from further harm and attacks.

I pray for our soldiers overseas and here at home and of course for those who have died fighting for our freedoms and protection. God, please be with our soldiers, leaders and families of those who are fighting to keep America a "free" and blessed nation. See them through these times they themselves cannot see getting through. Please bring peace overseas and bring our brave men and women home to their patiently waiting families.

Please, God, bring down all those who wish to do harm to the innocent. God Bless America!

Celebration of Life

9/10/07

Today marks seven years since that tragic night that I nearly lost my, then, future husband and life as I'd known it. I was 17 and he had just turned 18 a few months before. It was to be the best year of our life: We were Seniors in high school and were to be married shortly after graduation whether our parents liked it or not. We were all about us and so innocently in love. The world revolved around our relationship and we didn't know any better.

I remember that day as if it were today! Unfortunately, that is. I would give anything to forget it. Alas, I now realize that this event would make me who I am today...flaws and all. It set into motion events that have been life altering for us both. What a beautiful Sunday morning it was!

We met up at church that morning. He drove his own truck. He was so thrilled to finally be driving, a long two years after most of his friends had been. We managed the audio/visual equipment at our church. We sat that morning, side by side in a small 4x4 room, listening on and off, to the actual sermon. He took my hand and wrote in black ink: "I love you forever and always."

I had to babysit that day and he had to go to a park with his family. He promised to call me that night before 10pm. I looked back at him through my sideview mirror as I pulled out of the parking lot. Little did I know, it would be the last time I'd see him in that light, who he was at that moment. My weight-lifting, 210 lbs, ROTC Marine hair cut, tall, dark, and handsome Prince...oh, if I'd only made him come with me that day...

9:30pm - I still had not gotten my phone call from him and suddenly had a very aweful, gut-wrenching feeling. I called his house. His younger brother, Steven, answered and told me that Chris was on his way home and that he'd have him call me. The feeling wouldn't subside and my mother thought I was crazy to call all over town trying to find him...no, he didn't have a cell phone.

10:15pm - The phone rang. The caller ID read his home # and there was a breif sigh of relief. I answered, "Well, it's about time!" The voice on the other end: "Just pray, Nicole, just pray!" It was Steven. He told me Chris and Nick (another brother) had been in a bad wreck. Surely he was making some sort of sick joke and Chris was standing next to him! He wasn't joking. He told me that Nick was ok but that Chris was being airlifted somewhere. I lost it. No amount of words can describe what happened to me at that moment. Innocence was lost. The phone went crashing to the floor. I didn't know which way to turn, which direction to go in. I needed to get to him...that's all I knew and all I cared about. My mom drove me to the hospital...a drive that seemed to last about five hours! We were the first ones there. A Chaplain was immediately thrown at us. It's all a blur. One big fuzzy dream. That's what I wanted to believe.

2am - Dr finally came out to give us "news." Not good and happy news...though it rarely is. Chris had sustained massive head, back, shoulder, and rib injuries as his body was thrust from his jacked up Ford Ranger XL, out the Driver's side window. The truck flipped through the air and landed on top of Chris, pinning his shoulder to the ground. The brain damage was extensive and required emergency surgery. Nick had been wearing his seatbelt and had one cut on his elbow and close to his ear, not even requiring stitches...thank God! Chris's family had become my family and with this relationship I had not only gained a fiance` but four brothers. We just thought we were close at that point. We were there for eachother. Lifting one up when one would fall.

3am - It was finally my turn to see Chris before his surgery. I'll never forget those ICU waiting room doors. I walked inot his room, my whole body trembling in fear. I looked up at what was a body full of life and future just a few hours before. He laid there...seemingly lifeless. Machines, tubes, bandages, blood, bruises, beeping, dripping...endless agony. I hated seeing him like that. They couldn't guarantee that he'd even pull through this operation. We weren't even supposed to talk to or touch him. Being a teenager, there was no way I was having that! I walked over to him and picked up his bruised hand. I looked down at mine in his and remembered that morning, his eyes, his love. I saw the slightly smudged black ink on my hand with the words he'd written. Tears began falling with no end.

Fast forward to 10/31 - I cannot keep typing the details right now as I can barley see the computer screen through the tears. Chris came home on Halloween. Not all there, but alive. He didn't remember me and barely remembered his family. Names were a mute point. My Prince was now a mere 160lbs at 6 feet tall. Scars from head to toe. Part of his skull underneath layers of skin in his abdomen. His eyes were very different. I didn't care. He was walking on his own and talking on his own and eating on his own...things the Dr's never thought he'd do again. Prayer is truly a miraculous thing. God does work miracles.

9/10/2007 - It's been a very long and rough road for us. Has been since that day seven years ago. Chris has overcome so much! More than anyone ever gives him credit for. So have I. He has no recolection of any of those events. Never will. That's God's gift to him, that and having his life back. I, on the otherhand, have been put through the mental ringer for years. I still have nightmares no one knows about and I still freak out if I don't hear from him on time. Everyone was affected in their own right. Our road has been made up of pot holes and rocks and yet here we are...barely scathed on the other side. The road isn't at an end and hopefully won't be for a long, long, long lifetime together. It's made me love him even more than before and I never thought that would be possible. Nearly eight years into our relationship and we sincerely have the happiest marriage I know of. My 270lbs of Prince has that look in his eyes again. That same look I saw that Sunday morning seven years ago. I can only hope and pray that by this time next year he'll have another look in his eyes...the look of a very proud father.