Got a Surprise Visit...Aunt Flow Showed Up!

5/18/07

The bad news: I'm not pregnant for the month of May. The worse news: Chris lost his "new" job on 5/14...stupid assholes! So much for great/cheaper health insurance and financial breathing room. Geeeesh! The good news: I just started a new cycle by myself...no progesterone!! YAY! Even better news: We're going to have an IUI in June! Maybe this is it, maybe it'll all happen for us. After all this time, tests, waiting...maybe this cycle will be the one!

We met with our RE on 5/16 for another consult. I didn't think I'd even have a chance of starting a new cycle until 5/25. I'm glad we met with her a little early. She went ahead and wrote me a script for Clomid. I have to take it from Cycle Day 3 through 7. From there, I'll have to go in for another ultrasound to check the size and count of my follicles (future eggs). If all looks good, she'll give me the date Chris will have to inject me with the ovulation trigger. A few days after that, we go in for the long awaited IUI! I'm so excited right now and so full of hope for JUNE! I don't want this hope to end. Oh, please pray for us...pray that this is the cycle, this is our turn!! I so want this to be it!!

M-Day: Fight or Flight?

5/12/07

It's fast approaching...the day that all infertile women fear: Mother's Day. Tomorrow, all across the Country, people will be celebrating what is supposed to be a woman's God-given right...the right to be a mother. Will I be celebrating? According to social standing, I really can't celebrate for myself. I do however have a mother, a mother in law, grandmothers, cousins, and all our sisters in law are mothers. The word is all around me! I can't escape and it's a little frustrating. Actually, mucho grande frustrating! I will have a little solice though...tomorrow I have to work. I haven't been so excited to work on a weekend in a long time!

I shouldn't tease myself though...even at work, I won't be able to escape. Everytime I turn around there is another nicely rounded baby belly, baby shower invites posted on doors, or new arrival emails just staring me in the face. Then I have the "well-meaning" people saying the inevitable: "You have plenty of time," "Just be patient, honey," and one of my top favorites, "You're next!" Ooooohhhhh!!! If they only knew how much those little well meaning phrases stung, they would run for the hills knowing how much I'm on the brink of just cold-cocking someone right in the face! Sound a little bitter? Ya think!?!? Geeeessshhhh! Get a clue people! But alas, I keep my cool, give a little noncommittal smile, raised eyebrows (really in disbelief), and nod my head just to appease them so that they will walk away feeling that their pitty phrases really helped. Then, with my uterus feeling even more empty than before, I walk in the opposite direction with tears following. That in turn, pushes me to my latest addiction, the APA forum online where people actually understand what the hell I mean by all this! I really don't know where I'd be without the ladies on there. God has blessed me just enough to give me that comfort of knowing we're not alone in this struggle. For that, I'm eternally grateful.

Chris and I discussed that this month would be the last month of attempting to conceive "naturally" before hopefully moving on to IUI in June. So, in the hopes that I would actually ovulate on my own, I decided to start charting/temping this month. Looking at my chart, it appears that I did in fact "O" on 5/8. Which now puts me in what we APA gals call the 2WW or 2 week wait. Which means, that we now just have to wait the 2 weeks between ovulation and the time I should begin mensus. If it comes, of course our plan has failed, yet again (big shocker? I think not.). If it doesn't come, then that means one of two things: Either I'm pregnant or my cycle is being difficult again and I really never "Oed" anyway. Of course, we are hoping for the first of those two options, but I'm not really counting on it.

I want to dedicate this post to all the women out there struggling to conceive. I want to wish all of us a Happy Mother's Day. We deserve it. And you know I'm going to tell you why! Here's to us because we are fighting a daily battle trying to ensure our children have a future. We are planning for them and protecting their lives even though they don't know it yet. We are going through all the stress that mothers go through...but we go above and beyond what the typical mom has to deal with. The mother figure loses sleep at night hoping her baby makes it home safely; we lose sleep at night hoping our baby makes it safely home to our womb. We already have to worry about all the "mom" stuff...balanced diet, vitamins, Dr.'s appointments, being over-protective, ect. We go through the Hell of being "lab rats" each and everyday. We voluntarily allow Dr.s and nurses to poke and prod, to violate and humiliate so that we may have the optimum environment for our soon to be growing child. We talk, cry, scream, and constantly worry with our husbands as we are forced to over-prepare for becoming parents. We spoil our children with gifts that are just awaiting their arrival into our home. We deal with a much more complicated grading system than even public schools can come up with: Not just F's, but FSH's, BFN's, LH's, IUI's, IVF's, FET's, RE's, PA's, US's, and the list goes on and on and on...the best grade our kids can get is the oh so precious BFP! So, for all of us struggling to concieve, have a wonderful Mother's Day because each and everyone of us are already Mom's whether society believes it or not. I say we all stand together in unison and fight for our annual right to be pampered on the "hallowed uterus-worshiping day!" Cheers!!

Confusion

5/1/07

I finally had my HSG today. The procedure was rather intense, with much pain! On the positive side, I have a "beautiful" uterus and clear tubes. Furthermore, I finally got to see and and speak with my actual RE again! That was a miracle in itself. However, I still have no answers...at least none that are plausable to me. She seems to think that I don't have PCOS. She thinks that me having 11 follicles in my right ovary is perfectly normal for my age. Therefore, she's not testing me any further for it...at least not until I decide I'm going to bitch. For now, we'll play her game and I do pray that she is right and I'm wrong. If that's the case, I'll get "results" much quicker if I don't have PCOS.

I asked the ultimate question though: "Well, Doc...if everything is 'fine,' why can't I get pregnant?" She then replied back with the answer I feared, "You have what the majority of 'infertile' women have...'unexplained infertility'." There you have it! All these months of waiting, testing, trying, crying...what is my big answer?!?! "Unexplained Infertility!" You have to be kidding...all of this and you can't really give me an answer? Well, that's what I was thinking anyway. Am I glad that it's not anything huge, like no sperm or completely blocked tubes? Yes I am. Although, at least those people know their outcome and their treatment. We, on the other hand, are no further along now than we were this time last year! On paper, we should be able to be pregnant but we're not. This in itself points to a serious problem but it just can't be explained! The frustration doesn't seem to end! At least when I thought PCOS was the ailment, I had a plan in mind and things would start happening with treatment! Now, we basically have to start shooting in the dark.

My RE is leaving town for two weeks but when she gets back we have to have another consult to discuss what our options are and what the next step is. From what I understand of this last visit, I think she wants to proceed with Clomid and IUI. The catch there? I have to start another period before they can move on with that. This leads me to believe I might be waiting a while because my cylces aren't exactly cooperating here lately. They'll probably have to put me back on progesterone again. Uhhhgggg!

Moral of the day: "Wanna hear God laugh? Tell him your plans!"

Musings of a Lab Rat

4/27/07

Today is cycle day 3...yes, that means that after over two months of waiting my cycle is anew!! Today means that I went back to my Dr. for the first time in those two months worth of waste. Today was not a good day. It was, but wasn't.

When I first arrived, the blood work had to be done but my veins weren't in a cooperative mood (as usual) and I had to be pricked several times to get a rather large vile. Next came the ultra sound. It wasn't the US I expected! I sat there thinking they were going to come in and rub lube on my belly and have a looksee. Oh, NO! As my legs went up into the stirrups, in walks a "stand-in" Dr., a nurse, and a medical student! My actual RE couldn't be there today. Not to mention, I'm all alone because of Chris's new job. As I'm on display, the Dr. begins to inform me how this US works. In any event and without all the vivid and painful details, my own diagnosis was correct...I have PCOS (Polycyctic Ovarian Syndrome). In laymen, it means that my hormones are so out of whack that I'm producing too much testostorone and insulin. There are many cysts all over my right ovary which in turn causes me not to ovulate...hince, no pregnancy.

After the tests and no other explanations, I proceeded into the lobby and waited for my nurse. She looked at me blankly and said, "You are free to go." Dumbfounded, I responded, "Shouldn't I be scheduled for and HSG next week and be written a script for Clomid?" She said, "Well, it hasn't been authorized by your Dr." "Well, that is what I was told was to happen at our consult two months ago." I argued. "I'll call your Dr. and get back to you." She insisted.

So, I left without a plan...yet again to just wait. I got to the car and lost it. I cried nearly the whole way home and then somemore when I got to work. Actually, I'm still crying. I'm so emotionally drained from the whole thing, the whole process of infertility. I feel betrayed as my own RE wasn't there to run me through the procedure, to inform me. I felt alone.

After five hours without a response, I called the nurse back myself to ask if she'd been able to reach my RE. Of course, the answer was no. I again asked if I could schedule the HSG for next week and her response was, "Unfortunately, the Dr. will be out of town all of next week so you'll have to wait until your next cycle." I went off on her! I said, "Look! That's what I was told the last visit I had over TWO MONTHS AGO!! and you are asking me to wait again!?!?!? If I need to find a Dr. who understands my frustration, you need to tell me right now!" Of course I got the, "I'm sorry, I'll try to reach her again." I hung up and began planning to find another Dr.

Fifteen minutes later, the phone rang...it was my nurse. "You have a 2:15 HSG on Tuesday and your RE will be there." So, today I learned that losing my cool does pay off from time to time. I talked with Chris's Aunt in FL who has the same condition (and is now pregnant after one miscarriage). She informed me that they will have to put me on a medication called Metformin for a three month period of time. It will, in a sense, equalize my hormones and allow for weight loss and can decrease the increase in chance for miscarriage that PCOS sufferers must cope with . The bad news: No fertility treatments for the first three months...oh goody, more waiting!

Confirmation

4/16/07

This is my 5th day on Provera...half way there!! I'm being optimistic that I'll start my new cycle just a day or so after my last pill! Here's hoping anyway. My husband has recently started a new job which is great...in just a few short months we'll have full benefits without having to pay an absurd amount of money. He now has to work most weekends though. So this past Sunday, I went to Church by myself, much like Hannah did in the story of Samuel. Low and behold, the Pastor began talking about truly hearing the word of God, from God Himself. He was saying that every person hears God in a different way than others hear Him. Out of all the stories he could have referenced, he brought up the story of Samuel and how he would run to Eli, thinking it was he who was calling, when Samuel was really hearing the voice of God. Samuel eventually learned God's voice and to sit still and let God speak. Maybe that's my problem...I'm not sitting still long enough to hear what God is trying to tell me? Or maybe that was God's way of confirming the sign He sent me last week? Probably both.

I'm still frustrated but less so. I've found a great online support group and that really helps...talking to people who know exactly what you are going through. Some of them have already been where I'm at in the Medical Process so I'm learing a lot about what is to come and what it's going to feel like. The women on there are amazing and so strong! There are also success stories and those help keep the rest of us going. I can't wait to be one of those success stories!!

I don't think I've ever mentioned what our first born's name will be. If it's a BOY, his name will be Cayden Joseph (A companion of which God will increase), Cade for short. If it's a GIRL, her name will be Nasyah Helynn (Miracle of God from the Sun's Ray), Nyah for short.

Purgatory...The Eternal Wait

4/12/07

Two months ago today, we met with our Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). It was our first consult with a RE and it went rather well. She gave us the run down on what was to come. First, she would need some blood samples from me...mainly to check for Ruebella anitbodies. Then Chris was to have his "testing" done...although, I think he got the better end of the deal! LOL! I was to wait until the 3rd day of my next menstrual cycle and come back to see her for more tests and to be put me back on Clomid. The week following my cycle, I was to come back again for a sonohysterogram (SHG), a hysterosalpinogram (HSG), and an Ultrasound (US). If all tests came back "normal" she would proceed with Intrauterine Insemination (IUI). We left that consult excited that we had a plan and that we'd set the ball in motion!

Well, here I am two months later and still have not even had that "next" menstrual cycle! Six Home Pregnancy (HPT) and two Blood Tests later, all big fat negatives (BFN) of course, she writes me a prescription for Provera (basically a chemical D&C). I have to take these pills for 10 days and I should start a very heavy and excruciating period within 14 days of the last pill. On the bright side, we did find out that Chris is "normal." The down side to that: I'm the problem in this equation.

I'm so frustrated with just having to wait all the time! I'm more so sick and tired of everyone else saying, "Just wait, your time will come!" Shut the Hell up! You have NO freakin' clue what it's like being infertile! No clue as to how and when and even if my time will come! I know people mean well, but all they end up doing is making us feel worse and more so outcasts than before. I still feel like we've been left behind and for what, why??? Still no answer and I don't think there will be one. Everyday, I learn of someone within my family circle or friend circle is pregnant or has just given birth. I can't help but think: "Why are we not good enough for that?"

I am a very faithful Christian and Christ is in my heart always. Every time, I ask him for a "sign" of this situational outcome, he gives me a "half-sign" almost immediately! We were sitting in Church just a few months ago and we had a guest speaker. I was praying for a sign that day and out of no where, the Evangelist asks that anyone dealing with reproductive situations stand. I was the only one to stand...out of a congregation of 500! He prayed healing and said that God would heal this circumstance. I left rejuvenated and completely charged again with Hope. Nothing happened though...nothing that I've noticed anyway. Just last night, I was praying for a "sign" to guide me in the direction I needed to go (with the bottle of Provera in front of me). I didn't know if I should take the pills or wait it out. I then walked into our "future nursery" and picked up the Bible, sat down and started spontaneously flipping the pages. I closed my eyes while the pages flipped and then pointed on a page. When I opened my eyes, (with all the non-relevant stories I could have ended up on) my finger was on the story of Samuel. I read the words out loud, "...a woman named, Hannah, who had no children. She had always wanted a child and had prayed for years...Hannah went to the Temple and prayed to God making the Vow, "Lord, if you give me a son I promise to give him back to You and he shall do Your Work."" Now, I say He gives me "half-signs" because once I have them, I still feel lost. I still didn't know whether or not to take the meds. So, this afternoon I took the first pill. No turning back now.

Coming to The Realization

2/7/07

Today is officially one year since Chris and I began our unsuccessful strategies of becoming pregnant. This isn’t exactly how it was meant to go. According to our “goal plan,” I was supposed to of given birth in December. So much for that!

We finished our “future nursery” two weeks ago. The moment was ultimately bittersweet. The room is perfect, to our standards anyway! Everything is Winnie the Pooh, being the fanatic I am. It’s my favorite room in the whole house! We have nearly everything an infant could possibly want or need. We have a beautifully done “Pooh” mural, sleigh-style crib, oak changing table, Winnie the Pooh toy box and matching Armoire, Mahogany Glider, and of course a Pooh Bear Television, courtesy of “Nonni” (Chris’s Mom). The small 12x12 room is packed full of everything that screams new baby…except that it seems so empty because, sadly, there isn’t a baby to go in it.

I still feel as if we’re on an emotional rollercoaster, one I’d rather never ride again! It takes a larger toll than most would expect. It’s even wearing on Chris who usually hides behind the manly exterior. Then comes the beginning of every month when I get really quiet and my head inadvertently slumps so that I don’t have to look in his eyes. It’s come to where he just knows what that means and he does his best to make me feel better, but when I bring myself to lock in on his eyes he’s just as, if not more, hurt and disappointed than I am. You’d think coming to work would take my mind off of the whole situation…especially as busy as I stay. It doesn’t though. At the office, I feel like all the women around my age had a “let’s all get pregnant at the same time” party and I wasn’t invited. It’s weird that you intentionally go or do things to stop thinking about it, but trying that seems to make the subject flare out even more. Every time I try to watch TV there are nothing but new moms and pregnant women all over the freaking screen. A few weeks ago, I thought, “Well, I’ll just listen to the radio.” Low and behold, a 14-year old girl calls into the station to request a song and she goes into this sob story about how she got pregnant but her parents are going to help her raise the baby. I lost it! I found myself ranting and raving at the radio, just cussing that girl like a sailor! I couldn’t help but think and ask, “Why the hell does she get to have a baby?!?!” Is that infant going have the kind of life he or she deserves? Probably not, and here we sit, still on the sidelines, wondering if the coach will ever let us play in the game. We can’t figure it out. We know with all we are that we’d be an asset to the team if only allowed to have a chance on the field.


Over the past year, we’ve done our share of hoping and praying and there have been more than enough tears to go around. We’ve done all that we were supposed to do as far as really trying to get pregnant. The timing has been right, we’ve been on vitamins, no alcohol, fertility boosters such as Clomid, Ovulex, and Amberoz, not to mention bugging the hell out of my OB/GYN. Yesterday was a milestone for us…not the good and happy kind though. We came to the realization that we’d have to take the next step. We concluded that we have done all we can to become pregnant as naturally as possible. I finally made an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist (an OB/GYN specializing in infertility). We’ll have our first appointment February 12th all the way out in Evans, GA. That’s an hour and forty-five minutes from our home and this Dr./Professor only sees patients on Mondays. I’m assuming we’ll be spending the majority of our coming Mondays in Evans, GA. It’s a long trek but we’re hoping it’ll be worth it in the end. Yes, we still believe in hoping.

This decision may seem easy to some, but it’s not as easy as you may think…at least not for the woman. I’m very realistic about what this appointment may lead to and what it involves. Frankly, I’m scared to death. It doesn’t really scare me to know that in the coming months I will be poked and prodded at as if I’m a lab rat (although I do hate needles). The answer(s) we may receive at the end of all this terrify the hell out of us. Will the battery of tests we’re about to undergo be worth the pain, the wait, and the outcome? We can’t be sure, but it’s a road we’re willing to take simply for the end we’re hoping for to come true. There’s a question one of my Literature teachers once asked our class in high school, “Why don’t people take the road less traveled?” I didn’t really understand that question at the time and now it’s crystal clear. People take the well cut path because it’s familiar, comfortable, and safe. Why would anyone take a road when they have no idea where it will lead them to? They take it because they’ve already been down the easy path and it leads them back to square one. They made it safely back but it’s only a circle and they have nothing to show for it. People choose the road less traveled because they have hope that when they near the end, all the bumps, pot holes, and scary creatures they have come across will build their character in such a way that they will have something to show for their trials and tribulations. We’re taking the road of uncertainty and with Hope on our side, we pray that the things we’ll encounter will not destroy us but give us the kind of strength and character we can pass on to our children…yes, that’s plural.

Please continue to keep us in your prayers as we begin this new chapter in our journey to parenthood.